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[Jimbob]

I also lost my mum this year, ended up on the happy pills for a bit
Had a lot of other things going on as well.

check out

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/


have in on good authority they are very helpful, may be worth going for a chat  

[gstylebaby]

thanks for all the advice and comments. will try and  speake to my gp . it's not that she died that  is affecting me its how that crappity smacked me up. was in a long term relationship that ended. got with another partner wich my mum never aproved of, had a major falling out with mother about this and moved from manchester to kent. aftef 2 yrs started talking to mum again. sent her train tickets to come down to kent for her bday.day before she was due ti travel got phone call from police. mum colapsed in supermarket, taken to hospital, not looking good. jumped in car and set off up north. made it to hospital in bolton. she died whilst i was parking the fukin car. missed her by about 7 minutes. will spend the rest of my life wonderin, what if i'd driven faster. maybe i should've over taken that car. if i'd just gotten there on time. so much i wish i could of said to her. but most of all i just wish i could of said how much i loved her and thaked her for all she did forn me.

Lost my old fella (dad) in 2004.... He was on holiday with my mum had to get her back and then sort out getting him home. It was a sudden heart attack not wanting to go into it any more because it just starts to get abit of a throat blocker but my point is this i gave a quick wave and said see you soon and did'ent see him again but you know what i will see him again and tell him how much he ment to me and i hold on to that and it kinda keeps me going so i konw it hurts mate but she already knew that you loved her deep down and you will get the chance to tell her as well. Try and keep you chin up mate the love of a good partner is also a great help.

Craig my heart goes out to you and yours mate i hope things start to get better soon i'm at a loss as what else to say mate. J ust keep singing them bloody songs you hate so much
Lee

[SWMBO]

Kris, I know it is hard to live with what u are feeling, and its also hard to move on in your head.  I had a baby die unexpectedly some years ago and it took me many years to move on, not totally willingly, I have to admit lol.  We too, didn't get to the hospital in time when he suddenly took a turn for the worst (he seemed to be getting better so I spent the night away from the hospital after two weeks staying there cause I needed medical treatment) and I will never forget that journey (got stuck in traffic and I knew his heart had probably stopped cause the hospital kept ringing and saying when were we going to arrive back at the hospital.., panic just doesn't describe it).  

I learned finally tho (as others have said) that u can't change what has happened but u can change how u think about it and feel about it.  The pain and anger at the unfairness of it doesn't go.., but u do get used to it, it does dim a bit and u can learn that life can still be good. In some ways terrible things can make u appreciate those good times all the more.  Watching that tiny boy fight and fight to survive even if it didn't work made me realise how much our lives are worth, even when its a struggle and it feels like everything is against you. But you can only feel that when u are ready - there is no rush and no timetable.  Cruise are really good (they helped me, its good to talk to someone who just accepts and understands the depths of your emotions and u can't upset them by talking frankly as u do others).  But it will take someone skilled to help.  

It is very hard to make sense of the nonsensical which is what makes grief very hard to deal with I think. The human brain tends to want to understand why something happened and unfortunately, there rarely is a reason.  But u can learn to live with it and move on and I promise u, u can be happy again.  I will be thinking of you and take care x x x

[Debs.]

Grief, loss and bereavement are such an individual experience; the eloquent (and humane) posts that precede this, show that each day is a mere step along the long road to accepting the circumstances of such loss; but never forgetting those-dear whom we have lost.

Kris, perhaps requesting a 'long-appointment' (often available upon request at the surgery) with your G.P to have a chat about your feelings and how they are persisting and troubling you; that talk, and perhaps a subsequent referral to speak with a specialist-counsellor would be of practical and spiritual help on your road to returning to having 'peace of mind'.
I never had the privilege of knowing your Mum; but I`m sure she would not wish you to be so-troubled and hurt by the circumstances and repercussions of her passing; so please do contact your G.P.: they are there to help and can offer 'real' practical help to help you towards recovery.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[psychnurse]

As everybody has said Kris. Greif is a very individual and subjective experience. There is no set path, thus there are also no answers to your inner fears, concerns, and worries.

Your mum has gone and that loss needs to be explained to yourself from within. Counseling is very good... if you engage and are aminable to the processes that it uses. Medication mat also help for some, or, go hand in hand.

What you feel is normal.. that is the cruel thing about all of it.

Hope you get through it mate.  

[HolyCount]

Kris ... my mum died three years ago too ( cancer, 6 weeks from diagnosis).  I think about her everyday and still get tearful. Every now and then I get taken completely unawares when I see something on TV or hear something that triggers a chain of thought and find myself blubbering !!!

As has been said, this is all natural. In the family we talk about her openly, maybe as if she is just in the next room. It does help to chat .... be it to friends, family, your GP or other professional.

Chin up mate ................

[LJay]

Some good advice on here Kris, was going to suggest cruse too!
My mum died about 25 years ago and my dad cant talk about her, my advise would be to talk about things and not bottle up. You can put no time scale on grief so dont beat yourself up cos you are still hurting.
keep strong.

[Jay w]

I lost my day in 2002 and my mum in 2003.

Dad was totally out of the blue and like you Kris i was just pulling into the car park when i was phoned to say he had died.
Like you i asked myself the questions, what if i had gone faster? what if i had taken a different route? and then i think, if i had gone faster what was the chances i would have been driving beyond the speed of the road, me or the car and had an accident?
It is a real killer when you never get to say good bye, or never get to say sorry for what has happened in the past, me and my dad were never 'that' close, and i wanted to tell him that despite all our differences in life i was still proud to have him as a dad.

Mum was very different, she was told she had pneumonia, after 12 weeks she still had it, when she was taken for a x-ray it was found she had advanced lung cancer  
The day before she died she was in hospital having collapsed, as we were leaving my then 3 year old managed to let go of my hand, ran back and give her nan a big cuddle and told her that she loved her, i didn't think of it, and gave my mum a cursory 'see you tomorrow'
6am the phone rang, she was dying, i got there but was not allowed to see her, by the time i could see her she had gone, again i never got to say goodbye whilst she was alive.

I spent 3 months in counselling, it helped a hell of a lot, but even now, 5 year on i still miss, i still want to call them up and tell them what we have done or what we are doing......

It's an irony, the pain is there because we loved them so much  

[kris9128]

many thanks to every 1 for your help and advice. it's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. made the first move today and have contacted cruse so will see where it goes from here. once again, many thanks to every 1.

[SWMBO]

They are very good, but it may take a while.  Worth waiting for tho.  I do hope they help, but take it at your own pace, as has been said, there's no time table. xxx

[TheBoy]

Its never easy.

I lost dad suddenly back in 2000.  Cliche I know, but time does heel.  Thats not to say I don't still miss the ol' git, and don't feel sad (or often happy as well) when I think about him.

If you need to talk it over, there are specialist who can help, as well as true friends who will listen.


My own way of dealing after a few days - and it really did knock me sideways - was to look at positives, difficult as they are to find sometimes.

Dad died just when I started a new job.  My new colleagues were brilliant and caring, and have become lifelong friends - you can find out who your true friends are.

[zirk]

Sorry for your Loss, definitly need to talk to someone.

Try and convert those thoughts of her to Happy ones, think about things that she liked and stuff that made her smile and happy.

My Mum died back in 2002, and of course I miss her like crazy, she was my best friend, when ever I think of her I try and make myself smile with some positive feelings about her.

If Shes looking down on you now, She wouldn't want you to be un Happy, and you know that.

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

Sorry you feel this way Kris. Although elderly both my parents are still alive and well so I can't really pass to much comment on your situation.
I do think however that acceptance requires a sense of letting go and I get the feeling you are not ready to do this yet.
Best wishes.

[Dusty]

All the best Kris. I am glad you have acted on the advice already. I'm sure that being able to talk about this outside of your immediate family will help you.

Sharing problems with others does help.

Best regards
Dusty

[Jimbob]

many thanks to every 1 for your help and advice. it's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. made the first move today and have contacted cruse so will see where it goes from here. once again, many thanks to every 1.

Good work, really is best to talk.

I found this out the (very) hard way  

All the best.