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Author Topic: Joke Time  (Read 765 times)

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Mr Skrunts

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Joke Time
« on: 05 August 2008, 20:04:22 »

Paddy met Mick in the street and said,
 
 'Paddy, in future you should draw your bedroom curtains
  before making love to your wife !'
 
  'And why would I be doing that?' Paddy asked.
 
  'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was
  sniggering when they saw you two making love all yesterday.'
 
  Mick said, 'Nosey buggers, anyway, the laugh's on them.
  I wasn't home yesterday.'
« Last Edit: 05 August 2008, 20:05:31 by skruntie »
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #1 on: 05 August 2008, 20:13:18 »
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts;, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTOR NEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None .
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I ne ed a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Becaus e his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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rickyboy

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #2 on: 05 August 2008, 20:18:17 »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jimbob

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #3 on: 05 August 2008, 20:21:17 »
 ;D ;D ;D
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The Red Baron

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #4 on: 05 August 2008, 21:12:32 »
some great ones there. ;D ;D ;D
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maria

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #5 on: 05 August 2008, 21:33:58 »
Briliant  ;D :y
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HolyCount

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #6 on: 05 August 2008, 21:48:51 »
Love 'em   ;D ;D ;D
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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #7 on: 05 August 2008, 21:51:48 »
 ;D ;D ;D :y
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M16

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #8 on: 05 August 2008, 21:51:52 »
Keep them coming. :) :)
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