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[hotel21]

The following jokes need read in a Scots accent to get best effect.....  Even then, no doubt some will not make sense!!    


A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.


What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.


A highlander walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.


Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.


After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.


What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.


How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.


A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."


What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."


What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.


What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.


While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.


Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."


A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."
  

[Kevin Wood]

You might have to explain some of those...

I like the last one though

Kevin

[Jimbob]

Superb!  

[Paul M]

[Golfbuddy]

I thought it was the Brits and the Yanks who were supposed to be 'Two nations separated by a common language'?

I'm fairly well travelled and I only understood a couple of those.  

[Andy B]

The following jokes need read in a Scots accent to get best effect.....  Even then, no doubt some will not make sense!!     .......
  

A scotsman goes into a cake shop & says
'Is that a cake in the widow or a meringue'
The shop keepers says 'You're right .... it's a cake'  

[cbs2]

A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager. 'Oh Aye; uff  dunnabitta sales stuff back up the road anat, ah'eh barras anat, know?',  nodded the young weegie. The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.

The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was  settling in. 'So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy. The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'. The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one? Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway'?

'£101,237.64' said the lad. The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin' fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...' The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me.... a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four?' 'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries missus and Ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as well go fishing...

[Andy B]

A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager. 'Oh Aye; uff  dunnabitta sales stuff back up the road anat, ah'eh barras anat, know?',  nodded the young weegie. The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.

The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was  settling in. 'So... how many sales did you make today'? He smiled at the boy. The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'. The manager was immediately disappointed. 'Wh-a-a-t? Just one? Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for, anyway'?

'£101,237.64' said the lad. The Harrods manager choked. 'Blimey... One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence! What in hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod. Then ah asked him where he was gawin' fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...' The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell me.... a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four?' 'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of tampons furries missus and Ah said........."Well pal, seein' as how yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as well go fishing...

         

[MikeDundee]

Affy funny, koodnae get the wan we the antlers tho, if ya ken wut I meen