Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[psychnurse]

the thing is you meet someone, then you sleep with her, you meet the parents and before you know it your engaged, you go and live with er and her parents, she gets pregnant so you buy a house and a volvo estate, you have to do double shifts, she always got a headache, you end up drinking 7 nights a week, the rows start, she kicks you out, you get divorced and you move back in with your parents. next time i chat someone up in the pub im gonna just give her my keys and move back in with my mum.  

Your life story in 3 sentances, on the 7 nights a week drinking you forgot to mention the sheep vending machine though.  

Oh no!! Not that old chestnut  

[psychnurse]

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some examples:



FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.  They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TYRES:
Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying



 

Cracking!  

[Mr Skrunts]

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.  Here are some examples:



FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.  They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TYRES:
Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying



 

Excellent.  

[Entwood]

He's a tight sod though, he doesnt want to pay.  

No such thing as a cheap wife!

Even more expensive to get rid of  

The worlds shortest and most expensive sentence :

"I Do"

[Guppy]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it. .

 


It's coming. .

 


The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

 


She says:

 

'You just happened to catch my eye.'    


I'll get my coat now  

[Richie London]

very good guppy, like that  

[Entwood]