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[Nickbat]

There are very few new jokes being posted on the joke sticky.

This is unacceptable. 

I rely on this source to make me appear witty when chatting with friends. Since the jokes dried up, people are beginning to think I'm depressed.

 

[Del Boy]

I thought this was a joke about the drought when I read the title 

[ninjapirate]

I thought this was a joke about the drought when I read the title 

so did i lol

 

[SIR Philbutt]

There you go then ....

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years

[SIR Philbutt]

And some more ....

Marriage Humour
 
Wife:         'What are you doing?' 

Husband:     Nothing.

Wife:         'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage  certificate   for an hour.'

Husband:    'I was looking for the expiry date.' 

-------------------------------

Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'   

Husband:      'Sure! What are my choices?' 

Wife:        'Yes or no.'     

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife:          'You always carry my photo in your wallet..  Why?'

Hubby:          'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'   

Wife:            'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby:         'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'   

-------------------------------------------------------- 

Stress Reliever
Girl:      'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'   

Boy:      'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'   

Girl:      'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son:      'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   

Mom:   'Well, you have done the right thing..'   

Son:      'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   
------------------------------------------------------------   

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'   
 

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the
head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

just a few from my jokes "round robin" group

[Vamps]

And some more ....

Marriage Humour
 
Wife:         'What are you doing?' 

Husband:     Nothing.

Wife:         'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage  certificate   for an hour.'

Husband:    'I was looking for the expiry date.' 

-------------------------------

Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'   

Husband:      'Sure! What are my choices?' 

Wife:        'Yes or no.'     

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife:          'You always carry my photo in your wallet..  Why?'

Hubby:          'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'   

Wife:            'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby:         'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'   

-------------------------------------------------------- 

Stress Reliever
Girl:      'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'   

Boy:      'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'   

Girl:      'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son:      'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   

Mom:   'Well, you have done the right thing..'   

Son:      'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   
------------------------------------------------------------   

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'   
 

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the
head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' just a few from my jokes "round robin" group

 

[Nickbat]

Thank goodness for regular email. 

Just a few minutes ago received this:

Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written to local councils:


1.  It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2.  I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.  I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4.  Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5.  I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.  My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7.  I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8.  Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9.  I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.


 

[Nickbat]

Incidentally, #15 was written by STMO's neighbour. 

[astroblaster]

 

[Vamps]

 

[dbug]

Here you go mate . . . .

Theoretically & Realistically
 
A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father:
"Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son...go and ask your mother
if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would!
She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother
if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"
 
"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
 
Theoretically, we could be sitting on three million quid.
Realistically, we're living with two tarts and a poof!"   

[dbug]

Here is a bit of light paddy humour

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

--------- --------oOo- -----------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy calls Aerlingus to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your rather plane!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the rather" dark!" says Murphy.
--------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are
 getting on"
--------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole rather' bed by the looks of it!"
--------- --------oOo- ---------
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you
get a dodgy one!
--------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for
not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
--------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on
Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think  that's
her, she wasn't that tall!"
--------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking  like
mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they rather like it!"
--------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
--------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
 

[dbug]

Last "one"

TOMMY COOPER HUMOUR

1.  Two blondes walk into a building ....... You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2.  Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3.  A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5.  I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6.  My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 .  A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'  The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8.  I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.  Police say that he topped himself.

11.  Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.  Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12.  'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.  'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'  'Is it common?'  'It's not  unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is  cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'  'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What?  Because he's cross-eyed?'  'No, because he's  really heavy'.

14.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15.  So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'  I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.  But I think it's Colin.

17. Two  fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat *******!'

18.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You  know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20.  A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.  The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21.  Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.  Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
 
 
 

 

[Andys VXR]

I take my wife everywhere the problem is she keeps coming back. I also take her everywhere so i havnt got to kiss her goodbye.

I bought my wife a new belt and bag for christmas she said take them back i said i cant the hoover wont work without them.

She said why dont you buy me something that makes me look pretty so i bought myself 15 can of stella.

She said take me somewhere i havnt been before so i took her to the kitchen.

[STMO123]

I was in the pub the other night and me and my mates were having a laugh at the old 'What do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw some washing in' joke.
A fella came up to me and said "I don't think that's funny mate. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath".
"Sorry" I said "did he drown"?
"No. He choked on a sock".