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[maria]

As any one got any good jokes too tell i could do with a laugh right now and be cheered up

[Debs.]

A father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was watching two insects mating.

"Daddy, what are those two flies doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the fly on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden!"  

[maria]

Come on some one must have some to tell i cant think of any at the mo

[maria]

Now that made me laugh deb thanks

[Debs.]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."  

[Mr Skrunts]

  There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have
experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why
you're here to see the doctor today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor
in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[maria]

I loved that one now i am cheering up debs

[waspy]

A seven year old girl loved her drives out on a sunday morning with her grandpa, but this particuler sunday he wasn't feeling too good, so granma took her out for a drive.
On return the little girl rushed upstairs to see grandpa & to tell him all about her drive.
"Well, did you enjoy your drive out today without me"? he asked.
"Oh yes papa"  "We didn't see one dumb arsehole or any stupid tw$ts" she replied

[Mr Skrunts]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
 
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice  said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass Was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side Near the broken window.

A large black man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people That broke my window?'

'Uh yes, sir. We are so sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary.. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now That you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you Each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said.

He pondered a moment and blurted out 'I'd like a million pound a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady,
What do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife. The husband looked at his wife and said,'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right, considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'We're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No shit!!!' he said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?!?'

[maria]

 I loved it  

[Mr Skrunts]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits

[maria]

Brilliant, and have you found her yet

[Mr Skrunts]

 

[maria]

Cool   have fun

[waspy]

A man wants to buy his wife a special present for their anniversery & he decides to buy a negligee, so he goes to the shops & find sheerest one possible, which cost him alot of money.
He gets home, gives it to his wife & asks her to go up stairs, put it on & model it for him.
She goes up stairs & upwraps the present, she sees how see through it is & decides not to wear it, but to return it to the shop & get a refund.
She walks down stairs, strikes a pose, to which her husband chokes on his wine & replies " for all that money, i would've thought they would've ironed for me"