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[maria]

Thats ture but can get up in the afternoon instead and have a good lay in if only

[thewelshman]

        Four blokes and a woman are stuck in a lift

              While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

              The first bloke says, 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...

              ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful,

              Intelligent, Ecologist.''

              The second bloke says, 'I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you

              know...''Double Income, No Kids Yet. '

              The third one says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you

              know...''Rich, Urban, Biker. '

              The fourth bloke  says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you

              know...'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

              They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What

              are you?''

              She replies: 'I'm a WIFE, you know...

              Wash, Iron, Fu*k, Etc.''

[thewelshman]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with
at a salon. The brunette told her,

"There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not
legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell
the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of
mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will
turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it
shouldn't be a problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did
you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles
on it."

[thewelshman]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing
alone , and she approached him .

"Hi....My name is Carmen", she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
- cars , and men "

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer". ...........

[maria]

Brilliant  

[thewelshman]

These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the
Council about problems with their flats:

* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus
growing in it.
* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.
* It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.
* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.
* And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.
* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and
fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.
* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.
* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am
his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so
please send someone round to do something about it.
* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.
* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have
no satisfaction.
* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2

[thewelshman]

I've just bought a race horse and called it "My Face". No idea if it's
going to be any good, but I've entered it at Royal Ascot.

Can't wait for Lady's Day so I can hear all those rich stuck up
bitches screaming "COME ON MY FACE!"  

[maria]

Love it but they never do sort things out very quick

[maria]

I've just bought a race horse and called it "My Face". No idea if it's
going to be any good, but I've entered it at Royal Ascot.

Can't wait for Lady's Day so I can hear all those rich stuck up
bitches screaming "COME ON MY FACE!"  

 

  Love that one

[thewelshman]

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work over half a mile every day and passes a shoe shop.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, £200, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Gennaro answers,
'I see the reflection in my new £200 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new £200 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this eez true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps,
'Thanka God .. I thought I had a CRACK in my £200   Boccelli leather shoes!'

[maria]

Now that made me lol   I shall never get to bed at this rate

[thewelshman]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes
to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks her 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving
and concerned voice
'Look love, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this bloke
shows
up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door.

The husband says to his wife in a whispered voice 'sweetheart, I'm
going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same bloke I
want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is
going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same bloke is standing there and asks the same
question.

Do you have vagina'.......

'Yes' she says......

The man replies.. 'Good! Then Would you mind telling your husband to leave
my
wife's alone and start using YOURS ?'  

[thewelshman]

Two condoms driving past a gay bar. One said  "wanna get sh*t faced!"

[thewelshman]

A policeman stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled
motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the motorcyclist was heavily dressed in helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit.  "What's wrong?"he said...

In a muffled voice, the rider replied, "Frozen carburettor." "Well, p¡ss on  it," said the cop. "Can't!" replied the rider. The helpful cop then took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburettor, and soon the bike fired right up. A few days later the police station got a thank you note from a grateful father for the roadside assistance the police gave his young daughter.

[maria]

Brilliant