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[jimbobmccoy]

Hi

I have a court hearing very soon that is going to possibly decide the residency of my children as the wife and I are separating.

Having waged a campaign to discredit me, I'm pretty petrified that a decision may be made that isn't going to be the best one for my kids.

My wife has a solicitor, but I will be representing myself. I've been truthful all the way along, and have my kids best interests at heart, so I'm hopeful this will help, and a social services assesment has shown the allegations are just midslinging, and i am a parent who plays a large role in my kids life, but any advice or tales of experience from people who may have had first hand dealings with this would be appreciated.

If I have some idea what to expect it will help ease the nerves a little.

I have searched high and low all over the web, and gained some insight, but as there's a varied, and knowledgable bunch on here, I thought I'd pose the question.

To be honest, I'd go to the north pole and ask an Eskimo if I thought it would help!

TIA

[Vamps]

What a pity this could not be resolved between you, much better for the children.....

OK is this a first hearing or a final hearing? Was the social services a section 7 or 37 report that they were requested to carry out by the Court?

I suspect this is a first hearing, from where the Judge is likely to as CAFCAS or Social Services for Reports to advise the court, they will listen to this advice, it is unlikely a Judge will go against this advice....

PM me if you want to say something that is private...

[RobG]

Best of luck mate. When my first missus buggered off and left me with five kids ranging from 4-15 yrs old she told the court she didn`t want custody. I was granted custody, care and control. 13 months later, back in court with the ex (who had now re-married), she asks for custody of all five and gets it

[Vamps]

Best of luck mate. When my first missus buggered off and left me with five kids ranging from 4-15 yrs old she told the court she didn`t want custody. I was granted custody, care and control. 13 months later, back in court with the ex (who had now re-married), she asks for custody of all five and gets it

It can get very messy, even after a court decision there is little they will or can do if on parent refuses to agree or cooperate - gets messy for the kids.....

[jimbobmccoy]

I agree. 
We tried nearly a year of marriage counselling before an event happened that led me to call time on it.
I've tried everything to resolve this between us, as adults, but I guess there's too much hurt/anger there for that to happen. Mine, and social services concern is to resolve this ASAP, as the situation is toxic and starting to really impact on our eldest.

I believe it was a section 7 report. I had to apply for a order to Be able to take the kids on holiday in the summer, as she wouldn't agree, and as a result of the allegations she made to try and stop that happening Cafcass asked social services to conduct an assessment.
In the hearing for this Cafcass raised concerns about the living atmosphere for the children and so the judge ordered we submit statements regarding residence and contact with the hearing to be held soon.

I have asked in my statement for some form of decision at the hearing so that the childrens residence, evenif temporary, can be changed, for their benefit to get rid of the atmosphere they are currently in.

I really disagree that my wife's suggestions of residence are the best for the kids, but am considering agreeing to them on a short term basis just to remove them from the atmosphere.
My concern with this is that it would turn in to a long term thing that would be to their detriment, and don't know how the court would view this suggestion, or how it would impact on future hearings if there are any.

I know whatever issues I have with their mum, the kids don't see them, and just want her to be their mum. I hope once we are apart her behaviour will change, and as social services have passed it to the long term team I would hope the concernsi have about their welfare while with her would be monitored, but I just don't know what to do for the best.

[Vamps]

I agree. 
We tried nearly a year of marriage counselling before an event happened that led me to call time on it.
I've tried everything to resolve this between us, as adults, but I guess there's too much hurt/anger there for that to happen. Mine, and social services concern is to resolve this ASAP, as the situation is toxic and starting to really impact on our eldest.

I believe it was a section 7 report. I had to apply for a order to Be able to take the kids on holiday in the summer, as she wouldn't agree, and as a result of the allegations she made to try and stop that happening Cafcass asked social services to conduct an assessment.
In the hearing for this Cafcass raised concerns about the living atmosphere for the children and so the judge ordered we submit statements regarding residence and contact with the hearing to be held soon.

I have asked in my statement for some form of decision at the hearing so that the childrens residence, evenif temporary, can be changed, for their benefit to get rid of the atmosphere they are currently in.

I really disagree that my wife's suggestions of residence are the best for the kids, but am considering agreeing to them on a short term basis just to remove them from the atmosphere.
My concern with this is that it would turn in to a long term thing that would be to their detriment, and don't know how the court would view this suggestion, or how it would impact on future hearings if there are any.

I know whatever issues I have with their mum, the kids don't see them, and just want her to be their mum. I hope once we are apart her behaviour will change, and as social services have passed it to the long term team I would hope the concernsi have about their welfare while with her would be monitored, but I just don't know what to do for the best.

Are you sure......
I would hope so, however what have they said about you having residency? if they are remaining involved there must be come underlying concerns around some aspects of either of your behavior or actions......

As said the section 7 report will influence the decision heavily, so no changing that now if you have a date...Good Luck, I hope it works out well for you kids....

[jimbobmccoy]

Best of luck mate. When my first missus buggered off and left me with five kids ranging from 4-15 yrs old she told the court she didn`t want custody. I was granted custody, care and control. 13 months later, back in court with the ex (who had now re-married), she asks for custody of all five and gets it

How does this happen??
I've read many stories like this, and still struggle to understand it.  Thankfully the judge, and social workers who have been involved so far seem to have seen through the mudslinging, and made decisions/assessments based on the reality of what is happening, but with so many stories like this around, it still leaves me full of fear that a decision will be made that isn't actually the best for the kids

[jimbobmccoy]

I agree. 
We tried nearly a year of marriage counselling before an event happened that led me to call time on it.
I've tried everything to resolve this between us, as adults, but I guess there's too much hurt/anger there for that to happen. Mine, and social services concern is to resolve this ASAP, as the situation is toxic and starting to really impact on our eldest.

I believe it was a section 7 report. I had to apply for a order to Be able to take the kids on holiday in the summer, as she wouldn't agree, and as a result of the allegations she made to try and stop that happening Cafcass asked social services to conduct an assessment.
In the hearing for this Cafcass raised concerns about the living atmosphere for the children and so the judge ordered we submit statements regarding residence and contact with the hearing to be held soon.

I have asked in my statement for some form of decision at the hearing so that the childrens residence, evenif temporary, can be changed, for their benefit to get rid of the atmosphere they are currently in.

I really disagree that my wife's suggestions of residence are the best for the kids, but am considering agreeing to them on a short term basis just to remove them from the atmosphere.
My concern with this is that it would turn in to a long term thing that would be to their detriment, and don't know how the court would view this suggestion, or how it would impact on future hearings if there are any.

I know whatever issues I have with their mum, the kids don't see them, and just want her to be their mum. I hope once we are apart her behaviour will change, and as social services have passed it to the long term team I would hope the concernsi have about their welfare while with her would be monitored, but I just don't know what to do for the best.

Are you sure......
I would hope so, however what have they said about you having residency? if they are remaining involved there must be come underlying concerns around some aspects of either of your behavior or actions......

As said the section 7 report will influence the decision heavily, so no changing that now if you have a date...Good Luck, I hope it works out well for you kids....

I guess if I'm honest I can say my eldest see's some of the issues, but is desperate to have a good relationship with her mum, and does love her, so I think that if space between us helps my wife with her behaviour, this could be achieved, I hope and pray this happens anyway.
The concern in part I think is due to my eldests behaviour.......she has quite a combative relationship with her mum, and also that they need/want to see my wife and I put our issues aside and work together in th einterests of our children. I agree with them that we may struggle on how to parent correctly, in the best way for our kids, when we are separate, and I think they are intending to help us with that.
The only thing they've really said to me is that they know I'm going through the process of applying for residency, and I should continue with that, but they've been fairly neutral on residency other than that, unless they've made recommendations I'm not aware of.

Thanks you for the responses, I really appreciate it. Im fairly satisfied that the people involved have my kids interests in mind, and have also got a good idea of what that is from the assessments, judgements so far, so whatever the outcome, I will accept it and do what I can to make it work for the children........as long as they grow up safe happy and emotionally well, I will take that, even if it isn't with me.  It'd hurt me if that was the case, and that's what scares me, but I'm an adult, I played my part in this mess, and i have to deal withthat, I can't expect my kids to suffer for that.....they're innocent in it.

[Vamps]

Best of luck mate. When my first missus buggered off and left me with five kids ranging from 4-15 yrs old she told the court she didn`t want custody. I was granted custody, care and control. 13 months later, back in court with the ex (who had now re-married), she asks for custody of all five and gets it

How does this happen??I've read many stories like this, and still struggle to understand it.  Thankfully the judge, and social workers who have been involved so far seem to have seen through the mudslinging, and made decisions/assessments based on the reality of what is happening, but with so many stories like this around, it still leaves me full of fear that a decision will be made that isn't actually the best for the kids

Sadly it does seen Kids go back to other parent at 16 for no apparent reason, there is always a reason to be found, you just have to dig deep enough....

[omegod]

Sorry you are having such troubles J, I had some issues years ago and found an organisation called 'families need fathers' who were a great support and resource. Even hold meetings where there is peer support available, you can blow a bit of steam off with those who have been through it and I think they can accompany you at court for moral support.

If S/Services are involved you obviously need to comply with everything they ask, be nice,honest and FFS don't let your ego run your mouth. It's the kids safety and welfare they will look out for not decide who was in the wrong when it went tits up. Best wishes and good luck for the next few months. FNF link below

http://www.fnf.org.uk/
 

[Vamps]

I agree. 
We tried nearly a year of marriage counselling before an event happened that led me to call time on it.
I've tried everything to resolve this between us, as adults, but I guess there's too much hurt/anger there for that to happen. Mine, and social services concern is to resolve this ASAP, as the situation is toxic and starting to really impact on our eldest.

I believe it was a section 7 report. I had to apply for a order to Be able to take the kids on holiday in the summer, as she wouldn't agree, and as a result of the allegations she made to try and stop that happening Cafcass asked social services to conduct an assessment.
In the hearing for this Cafcass raised concerns about the living atmosphere for the children and so the judge ordered we submit statements regarding residence and contact with the hearing to be held soon.

I have asked in my statement for some form of decision at the hearing so that the childrens residence, evenif temporary, can be changed, for their benefit to get rid of the atmosphere they are currently in.

I really disagree that my wife's suggestions of residence are the best for the kids, but am considering agreeing to them on a short term basis just to remove them from the atmosphere.
My concern with this is that it would turn in to a long term thing that would be to their detriment, and don't know how the court would view this suggestion, or how it would impact on future hearings if there are any.

I know whatever issues I have with their mum, the kids don't see them, and just want her to be their mum. I hope once we are apart her behaviour will change, and as social services have passed it to the long term team I would hope the concernsi have about their welfare while with her would be monitored, but I just don't know what to do for the best.

Are you sure......
I would hope so, however what have they said about you having residency? if they are remaining involved there must be come underlying concerns around some aspects of either of your behavior or actions......

As said the section 7 report will influence the decision heavily, so no changing that now if you have a date...Good Luck, I hope it works out well for you kids....

I guess if I'm honest I can say my eldest see's some of the issues, but is desperate to have a good relationship with her mum, and does love her, so I think that if space between us helps my wife with her behaviour, this could be achieved, I hope and pray this happens anyway.
The concern in part I think is due to my eldests behaviour.......she has quite a combative relationship with her mum, and also that they need/want to see my wife and I put our issues aside and work together in th einterests of our children. I agree with them that we may struggle on how to parent correctly, in the best way for our kids, when we are separate, and I think they are intending to help us with that.
The only thing they've really said to me is that they know I'm going through the process of applying for residency, and I should continue with that, but they've been fairly neutral on residency other than that, unless they've made recommendations I'm not aware of.

Thanks you for the responses, I really appreciate it. Im fairly satisfied that the people involved have my kids interests in mind, and have also got a good idea of what that is from the assessments, judgements so far, so whatever the outcome, I will accept it and do what I can to make it work for the children........as long as they grow up safe happy and emotionally well, I will take that, even if it isn't with me.  It'd hurt me if that was the case, and that's what scares me, but I'm an adult, I played my part in this mess, and i have to deal withthat, I can't expect my kids to suffer for that.....they're innocent in it.

Sound advice and work with the authorities rather than against, you never know what the future may bring..

[tidla]

The event is pretty informal, and yes the judge has seen it all before. Do you work full time?
As rob has said they still tend to side with the mother as at the end of the day. They do like to ensure that you have access.
You say it would be best for you to care for them. I there a real reason behind this which would hold water.
My nipper gave me a medical form to complete for a school trip. Had to hand it over to mom as i had no idea.
Its tough to see clearly when emotions are running high.

Hope you can come to a resolution.

[Vamps]

Sorry you are having such troubles J, I had some issues years ago and found an organisation called 'families need fathers' who were a great support and resource. Even hold meetings where there is peer support available, you can blow a bit of steam off with those who have been through it and I think they can accompany you at court for moral support.

If S/Services are involved you obviously need to comply with everything they ask, be nice,honest and FFS don't let your ego run your mouth. It's the kids safety and welfare they will look out for not decide who was in the wrong when it went tits up. Best wishes and good luck for the next few months. FNF link below

http://www.fnf.org.uk/
 

Sound advice indeed....

[jimbobmccoy]

Sorry you are having such troubles J, I had some issues years ago and found an organisation called 'families need fathers' who were a great support and resource. Even hold meetings where there is peer support available, you can blow a bit of steam off with those who have been through it and I think they can accompany you at court for moral support.

If S/Services are involved you obviously need to comply with everything they ask, be nice,honest and FFS don't let your ego run your mouth. It's the kids safety and welfare they will look out for not decide who was in the wrong when it went tits up. Best wishes and good luck for the next few months. FNF link below

http://www.fnf.org.uk/
 

Thanks for the link.

Thankfully there's no chance of my ego making an appearance. This has been the most humbling experience of my life.  Having to take a frank look at your faults, and how they impact on your children and others makes you realise you are never as perfect as you'd like to think.
Also, realising how others can interpret you, and the impact this can have can be upsetting, but hopefully has made me a better person.
No one likes to be wrong, but being able to accept you can be, and learn from it, is one of life's great lessons

[Vamps]

Sorry you are having such troubles J, I had some issues years ago and found an organisation called 'families need fathers' who were a great support and resource. Even hold meetings where there is peer support available, you can blow a bit of steam off with those who have been through it and I think they can accompany you at court for moral support.

If S/Services are involved you obviously need to comply with everything they ask, be nice,honest and FFS don't let your ego run your mouth. It's the kids safety and welfare they will look out for not decide who was in the wrong when it went tits up. Best wishes and good luck for the next few months. FNF link below

http://www.fnf.org.uk/
 

Thanks for the link.

Thankfully there's no chance of my ego making an appearance. This has been the most humbling experience of my life.  Having to take a frank look at your faults, and how they impact on your children and others makes you realise you are never as perfect as you'd like to think.
Also, realising how others can interpret you, and the impact this can have can be upsetting, but hopefully has made me a better person.
No one likes to be wrong, but being able to accept you can be, and learn from it, is one of life's great lessons