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[pscocoa]

Just back from another day trip to Manchester to meet separately with multi disciplinary teams involved with my parents - mum in nursing home and dad in mobility rehab unit.

Strange feeling today in realising that my dad will probably now never be able to go home as he is too much at risk. A year or so ago he made me promise that I would never let him go in a home.
Now there is little or no option.

Social services advisor today said that unfortunately the statement should have been (if we had known the future) "never let  me go in a home unless I have double incontinence and have to be hoisted everywhere."

Realisation of the situation and the empty house to reinforce the point makes for a few days ahead to try and make correct decisions.

The 3 hour drive back was good time to reflect on day.

[Martian]

My brothers & I also made the same promise to both our parents, fortunately we haven't had to test whether any of us will actually keep that promise and I hope we never have to.

Sorry to hear about your parents demise in to what can only be a living hell for them mentally, I wish you all the best.

[Lazydocker]

It's impossible for you go keep such a promise. You need to do what is best for your dad, which is for him to have the proper care. Sorry to hear of your situation though.

Admittedly, I have had similar discussions with both my parents and the in laws...

[PhilRich]

Between a Rock and a Hard Place.

[cam2502]

As someone who works with people with dementia I know only too well how difficult and distressing this situation is for all concerned. It's never easy but there is some comfort to be had knowing your dad will be safer than he would be living in his own home. Hopefully he will know this deep down.

[phill osey]

Lee here

Luckily/unluckily if you look at it a different way, I will never have to make that kind of decision as both my parents are no longer with us 

And I hope I never have to put my kids in that position either
but I think that if I had to, it would be with the proviso that if I would have to have 24 hr care, then I would rather go into a nursing home

I know it will be hard for you, but just think how you would feel if anything happened at home and you couldn't do anything

[pscocoa]

you are all spot on. His safety is paramount and yes he needs monitoring 24/7. Now trying to find right place but straight away HSBC insurance making problems on house now empty - restricting cover and generally being jobsworth. He worked for them for 45 years (ex Midland) and has been a pensioner for 31 years.

[cleggy]

I read the OP in the early hours and couldn't make a suitable reply, I find your situation very  sad. Having been in simliar situations you learn that life is a bitch and we have to do what we think is the best under the circumstances.
We make promises to reassure and those promises must change as each situation develops.

I will never forget making exactly the same promise to my parents when they were in relatively good health. When mum finally left hospital for her last Christmas at home she was too ill to get out of bed. When the ambulance took her to the Hospice she said " This is the last time I'll see Broomfield Road, I won't be coming home" She was right but the care she received was excellent better than she would have got at home. In fact I lost my dad 18 months later and he asked to go to the same hospice, I could keep that promise.

We made the same promise to Cheryl's mum but  dementia was making her think that she wasn't in her own home anyway, again she was in excellent hands at the care home.

We can't beat ourselves up over broken promises but take solace in the fact that we made the right decision at the time.

I wish you and your family well for the future, you can only do what you think is best and I'm sure you will

[pscocoa]

Thanks Cleggy - my wife was with me when we were discussing the "solutions" with the NHS/Social team and she went to tears as we have seen all of this with her mother who died in July and her father who died a year earlier. I am actually very organised about it all and "the end of days" will happen to all of us - the way you go and amount of dsitress unfortunately is a lottery and as long as one can remain pragmatic and objective then you will do your best for everyone.

[flyer 0712]

I ended up having to let my mum go into a home and at the time it was against what i had said to her...however as i was full time working i would go into see her every day and if i could twice a day...the time came when on several occasions that i found her collapsed on the floor unable to get up and badly distressed ....The situation had changed greatly for the worst,,for her own safety and to lesson her stress of being helpless i decided to save her all of that and found her a very nice place in a care home....she died within twelve months of being there...i sometimes hate myself for having made that choice..however she was 86 years of age and i know that in those last months of her life that she was well looked after and died with the dignity that she deserved and she loved me for it.......So we all have to make choices or break promises but if it was the the good then they know that we meant well and loved them dearly and looked after them to the best of our ability just as they did for us when we were kids....So my friend have no regrets..we do our best....my feelings go out to you.....ray

[cam2502]

Year 224... Well said