A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin ?"
I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish ?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium ?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.'"
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch.'"
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he then ?"
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work ?"
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
A policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on ?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and he says "Audi !"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road."
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I borrow Batman Forever ?"
He owner, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."
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Topic: Bad Jokes (Read 1710 times)