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[Mr Skrunts]

We always hear "The Rules" from the feminine side.  OK - well now hear the guy's side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.

1. Birthday's Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you.  Live with it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.

1. Sunday = Sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really!

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates.  Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor!

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments  become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad  or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle.  We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And, quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be.  Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

[Mr Skrunts]

Damn, It's Good to Be a Man!!

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work - more pay. Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Your pals never try to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean the apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me." You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 45 minutes.

Damn, it's good to be a man!

[Mr Skrunts]

Fed up with all those male-bashing jokes?

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do brides get married in white?
So that they match all the other domestic appliances.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?", I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted"
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[Mr Skrunts]

How to impress a man

Show up naked.
.... with Beer

[Mr Skrunts]

How to impress a woman

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

[Chopsdad]

Let us ogle.  We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

How true  

[FRE07962128]

Women are from Venus, Men from Mars!

 Nothing else needs be said until we want something, then you see our point of view!

[FRE07962128]

How to impress a woman

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

Is this really you Skruntie?  Common sense and maturity has prevailed at last!  

[Mr Skrunts]

How to impress a woman

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

Is this really you Skruntie?  Common sense and maturity has prevailed at last!  

Allways said the truth was out there....

[JueV6]

SWMBO here.  I think there are a lot of men on this forum that will be feeling all deprived.., when they finally stop laughing lol.

[Mr Skrunts]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

[Mr Skrunts]

How To Deal With Your Angry Wife

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, "You as horny as I am? And she always acts like she's sound asleep!

[Mr Skrunts]

Handicraft

A man walked into a supermarket and asked an employee where the tampon isle was.

The lady pointed it out and the man started walking toward it.

A few minutes later the man returned with cotton swabs and string.

The employee said to the man, "I thought you needed tampons?"

The man simply said, "I sent my wife to get me some cigarettes yesterday and she came home with the tabacco and the paper. I had to roll my own. Today she sent me for tampons so she get's to roll her own."

[Mr Skrunts]

This guys wife, craving some new excitement in there love life, happened to read a magazine article that advised wives to greet there spouses wearing nothing but saran wrap when there husbands came home from work. So sure enough when her husband came home that afternoon, he opened the front door and there stood his wife striking a very seductive pose, dressed only in saran wrap, Ah, shit", he said when he saw her, "Please woman, not leftovers again."

[Vamps]

How to impress a woman

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

Working on them.