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Author Topic: Woman - A Chemical Analysis  (Read 1256 times)

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Mr Skrunts

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Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« on: 04 July 2008, 23:52:36 »

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
fluctuations.

Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #1 on: 04 July 2008, 23:57:46 »

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.

Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
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FRE07962128

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #2 on: 04 July 2008, 23:58:09 »

So this is why you have been quiet recently, putting together this ! ;D ;D ;)

Actually, as I have stated before we are made up of trillions of atoms, each one being 99.9% empty space (yes even the non-blonde variety!), which means each one of us in actual materialistic terms is compiled of matter the size of a grain of salt!  This does apply to men as well! ;D ;D ;)
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #3 on: 05 July 2008, 00:00:48 »

Knew it, women have an answer for everything.   ;D ;D
« Last Edit: 05 July 2008, 00:03:56 by skruntie »
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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #4 on: 05 July 2008, 00:06:08 »

 [size=14]Why Women are Crabby [/size]  


We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.

Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push" (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...

So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"?
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FRE07962128

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #5 on: 05 July 2008, 00:11:18 »

Well done Skruntie for giving some of our point of view, although that is just half of it! ;D ;)  But we are the stronger sex because of it. :y :y
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albitz

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #6 on: 05 July 2008, 00:13:02 »

until it comes to lifting something heavy ;) :D
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Vamps

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #7 on: 05 July 2008, 00:13:20 »

Quote
Well done Skruntie for giving some of our point of view, although that is just half of it! ;D ;)  But we are the stronger sex because of it. :y :y

Have you read all that :o Too much for me, can't be arsed at this time on night. ::) ::) ::)
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FRE07962128

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #8 on: 05 July 2008, 00:15:54 »

Quote
until it comes to lifting something heavy ;) :D

ahh....but we use the power of our mind and tongue to pursade men to do that for us "poor weak creatures"; clever or what? ;D ;D ;D ;)
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albitz

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #9 on: 05 July 2008, 00:19:14 »

o.k. lz,i submit ;D ;D......btw i like the sound of the bit about the power of the tongue ;) ;D
« Last Edit: 05 July 2008, 00:20:23 by albitz »
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Vamps

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #10 on: 05 July 2008, 00:20:29 »

Quote
o.k. lz,i submit ;D ;D

For the best m8........... ;D ;D ;D
« Last Edit: 05 July 2008, 00:22:40 by floodm »
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FRE07962128

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #11 on: 05 July 2008, 00:20:52 »

Quote
o.k. lz,i submit ;D ;D

To what Albitz? ;D ;D ;D ;)
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albitz

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #12 on: 05 July 2008, 00:21:53 »

everything and anything,im a pushover :y ;D
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #13 on: 05 July 2008, 00:22:13 »

Quote
o.k. lz,i submit ;D ;D......btw i like the sound of the bit about the power of the tongue ;) ;D

Please explain, I dont know what means.  ::) ::)
« Last Edit: 05 July 2008, 00:22:54 by skruntie »
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albitz

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Re: Woman - A Chemical Analysis
« Reply #14 on: 05 July 2008, 00:22:34 »

Quote
Quote
o.k. lz,i submit ;D ;D

For the mest m8........... ;D ;D ;D
mike,i have a spare B if you want to borrow one. ;D ;D
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