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[mantagte]

I, the Peni$, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.


I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss


The Response:
Dear Peni$:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.



Sincerely,

V. Gina

[mantagte]

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't haveany.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.
'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
back and reads out loud from the container ...

(Are you ready for this one!?)
'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

[mantagte]

then there was kevin who fell into an open grave on his way home from the pub.
he tried to get out but couldnt as it was so muddy & slippery. so he gave up.
just then another chap, from the pub fell in, and tried to get out.
kevin taps the chap on the shoulder and says, youll never get out of here.

he did.

[Mr Skrunts]

 

[mantagte]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go

into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as

he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the

playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her

take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane...'


At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper

time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his

story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I
saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to

look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take
off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,

then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'


Mommy fainted!

[mantagte]

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get annoyed. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

[mantagte]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into
the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks
and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think
your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[mantagte]

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
16. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!
17. Procrastinate Now!
18. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
20. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
21. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
22. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
23. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
24. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
25. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
26. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
27. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.
28. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[Richie London]

very good  

[dbug]

[maria]

All very good but i like the blonde joke one

[waspy]

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

PMS at all of them   This one's so very true