Alternate Christmas letters.. The real story

[hotel21]

Well, it amused me at least....  But, according to some, I am of simple mind....  




Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked ganja when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a road breaking drill bit driver well into double overtime. Do you think he's going to come back to your frigid mum who whinges constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Lego instead.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Wii gamebox, a train, an Action Man, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay.   I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I left milk and biscuits for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh.

You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a flat in Brighton where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the arses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the poker table.  

Well, you wanted to know.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

[Gwilym]

 

[MikeDundee]

LOL ...nice one

[Big Rod]

banging the babysitter like a road breaking drill bit driver well into double overtime

Ha ha!! I'm going to have to remember that one!!! LOL

[nixoro]

  very good nice one

[STMO123]

You've spoiled my christmas

[Bo Bo]

You've spoiled my christmas

Does that mean that Santa really isn't real?  

[CaptainZok]

 
Nice one Broocie.

[Del Boy]