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Mr Skrunts

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WOMEN !!!!!!
« on: 25 August 2008, 18:23:42 »

Female stages of life  


AGE DRINK

17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET

17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE


17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #1 on: 25 August 2008, 18:26:52 »

Traffic cops gone wrong  

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the centre line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #2 on: 25 August 2008, 18:30:12 »


What the hell do i look like!?  

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #3 on: 25 August 2008, 18:31:54 »

Lighter side of marriage  

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

2. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

3. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

5. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

6. Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

7. Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.

8. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":

The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The Suffe-Ring
The Endu-Ring

9. Married life is full of excitement and frustration. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

10. It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

11. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

12. It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!

13. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

14. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

15. SON: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

FATHER: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

SON: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

FATHER: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

16. There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"

17. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

18. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

19. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

20. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL. SO ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH IT?
« Last Edit: 25 August 2008, 18:32:02 by skruntie »
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LJay

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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #4 on: 25 August 2008, 18:55:48 »

Your very sceptical Skruntie!
Us women aren't that bad, marriage is great!!!!!!!!!! ;D
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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #5 on: 25 August 2008, 18:58:05 »

Quote
Your very sceptical Skruntie!
Us women aren't that bad, marriage is great!!!!!!!!!! ;D

Sceptical, maybe.......

Women.....No Comment.

Marriage, maybe, not tried it yet, no body loves.  :-[  :'( :'(
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FRE07962128

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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #6 on: 25 August 2008, 19:04:18 »

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"


You have obviously been with some really undemanding, unsophisticated and "cheap" women Skruntie! :o :o :o :o  

At 17 I expected a good resturant meal; at 25 it was a meal in a resturant abroad with wedding ring, at 35 a three week holiday in the States eating out at top resturants everynight, with loving gifts, and at 48 all that plus a week in Las Vegas in a hotel (The Flammingo) with mirrors all over the ceiling and walls! ;) ;) ;) 8-) 8-) 8-)

At 66?.........then I will do everything with style and a gorgous new man as life, God willing, will  just be beginning!! ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
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LJay

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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #7 on: 25 August 2008, 19:10:38 »

Quote
Quote
Your very sceptical Skruntie!
Us women aren't that bad, marriage is great!!!!!!!!!! ;D

Sceptical, maybe.......

Women.....No Comment.

Marriage, maybe, not tried it yet, no body loves.  :-[  :'( :'(

Poor Skruntie!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( :'( :'(
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #8 on: 25 August 2008, 19:19:10 »

Quote
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"


You have obviously been with some really undemanding, unsophisticated and "cheap" women Skruntie! :o :o :o :o  

At 17 I expected a good resturant meal; at 25 it was a meal in a resturant abroad with wedding ring, at 35 a three week holiday in the States eating out at top resturants everynight, with loving gifts, and at 48 all that plus a week in Las Vegas in a hotel (The Flammingo) with mirrors all over the ceiling and walls! ;) ;) ;) 8-) 8-) 8-)

At 66?.........then I will do everything with style and a gorgous new man as life, God willing, will  just be beginning!! ;D ;D ;D ;D :y

Been there, done that.  found it didnt matter what you do to please some women, they just aint ever going to be content. :-/
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Marks DTM Calib

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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #9 on: 25 August 2008, 19:19:51 »

Quote
Quote
Quote
Your very sceptical Skruntie!
Us women aren't that bad, marriage is great!!!!!!!!!! ;D

Sceptical, maybe.......

Women.....No Comment.

Marriage, maybe, not tried it yet, no body loves.  :-[  :'( :'(

Poor Skruntie!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( :'( :'(


Ow no, if hes not married then hes much less likely to be poor.
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #10 on: 25 August 2008, 19:20:44 »

Quote
Quote
Quote
Your very sceptical Skruntie!
Us women aren't that bad, marriage is great!!!!!!!!!! ;D

Sceptical, maybe.......

Women.....No Comment.

Marriage, maybe, not tried it yet, no body loves.  :-[  :'( :'(

Poor Skruntie!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( :'( :'(

After 2 engagements I could actually say I was lucky.  Looking at the fact the engagemnts didnt go on to marriage, then maybe I got away lightly.  :-/
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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #11 on: 25 August 2008, 19:39:41 »

Interviewing applicants  


A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.
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LJay

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Re: WOMEN !!!!!!
« Reply #12 on: 25 August 2008, 19:58:55 »

Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Your very sceptical Skruntie!
Us women aren't that bad, marriage is great!!!!!!!!!! ;D

Sceptical, maybe.......

Women.....No Comment.

Marriage, maybe, not tried it yet, no body loves.  :-[  :'( :'(

Poor Skruntie!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( :'( :'(

After 2 engagements I could actually say I was lucky.  Looking at the fact the engagemnts didnt go on to marriage, then maybe I got away lightly.  :-/

Possibly a lucky escape, i'll let you off your sceptism! ;D
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