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[Nickbat]

Time to get back some smiles on the forum, methinks.

This was sent to me today:



BEST SCOTTISH SHORT JOKE...

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Scuse mae Miss, di ye hev eni books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses, and says,  "Bugger off, ye'll nae bring it back!"



With apologies to all the Scots on the forum.

[hotel21]

Original, but only almost mildly amusing.












Just Kidding!





 

[Del Boy]

 

[splott]

A duck goes into a bar and aks for a pint of bitter and a packet of crisps.
The bar man says nothing but serves him!
This goes on for a couple of weks and the duck always asks for the same.
The duck does
n't come in for a couple of days.
But a man comes in from the local circus , he get talking to the bar man and tells him that he owns the circus.
The bar man tells the circus owner about the duck that comes in to the bar.
The circus owner leaves his card and says tell the duck to give me a ring as I can give him a job.
The next day the duck comes in and asks for a pint of bitter and a packet of crisps.
The barman tells him that the circus owner can give him a job.
The duck says is that the circus round the corner,made of cloth and full pf holes.
The barman says yes.
The duck says well why the the fu-k does he want a plasterer

[Chopsdad]

A duck goes into a bar and aks for a pint of bitter and a packet of crisps.
The bar man says nothing but serves him!
This goes on for a couple of weks and the duck always asks for the same.
The duck does
n't come in for a couple of days.
But a man comes in from the local circus , he get talking to the bar man and tells him that he owns the circus.
The bar man tells the circus owner about the duck that comes in to the bar.
The circus owner leaves his card and says tell the duck to give me a ring as I can give him a job.
The next day the duck comes in and asks for a pint of bitter and a packet of crisps.
The barman tells him that the circus owner can give him a job.
The duck says is that the circus round the corner,made of cloth and full pf holes.
The barman says yes.
The duck says well why the the fu-k does he want a plasterer

Odd  

[CaptainZok]

A duck goes into a bar and aks for a pint of bitter and a packet of crisps.
The bar man says nothing but serves him!
This goes on for a couple of weks and the duck always asks for the same.
The duck does
n't come in for a couple of days.
But a man comes in from the local circus , he get talking to the bar man and tells him that he owns the circus.
The bar man tells the circus owner about the duck that comes in to the bar.
The circus owner leaves his card and says tell the duck to give me a ring as I can give him a job.
The next day the duck comes in and asks for a pint of bitter and a packet of crisps.
The barman tells him that the circus owner can give him a job.
The duck says is that the circus round the corner,made of cloth and full pf holes.
The barman says yes.
The duck says well why the the fu-k does he want a plasterer

An oldie but goodie.

[Chopsdad]

Isn't that Bill Oddie?

[CaptainZok]

Isn't that Bill Oddie?

Could be Graeme Garden or Tim Brooke-Taylor.

[Nickbat]

OK, so now we're back laughing again.  

Try this:

Keith bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great!" he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

Then he looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a police car.

"Problem" thought Keith and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

He then thought "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the policeman and said.............................

"Last week my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The policeman said "Have a nice day."

[splott]

I know but when youv'e been on here all night downed half a bottle of whiskey and read about that burger guy leavin and i have just paid 380 quid to fix the Omega!!!!!!!!
WHAT THE FU_K DO EXPECT!!!   SOMETHING ORIGINAL !!! My ARSE

JUst Joking

[Chopsdad]

OK, so now we're back laughing again.  

Try this:

Keith bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great!" he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

Then he looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a police car.

"Problem" thought Keith and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

He then thought "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the policeman and said.............................

"Last week my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The policeman said "Have a nice day."

Now that one I like  - and is that Captain Zok I hear humming 'Goodie, goodie goodie gumdrops?'  

[CaptainZok]

I had their lp when I was a kid.

[Chopsdad]

I had their lp when I was a kid.

You mean it's not on your MP3  - click link for to resurect the Funky Gibbon http://www.amazon.co.uk/Funky-Gibbon-Best-Goodies/dp/B00004YU3Q

[Nickbat]

..and here are a couple from my library of broacast double entendres:

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

 

[Tony H]

OK, so now we're back laughing again.  

Try this:

Keith bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 kph and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great!" he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

Then he looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a police car.

"Problem" thought Keith and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being stopped.

He then thought "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the policeman and said.............................

"Last week my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The policeman said "Have a nice day."

Nickbat you owe me a beer 'cos i've just spilt this one laughing at your thread