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[Mr Skrunts]

10 Usefull Insults For Women


1. She's seen more helmets than Hitler

2. Got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

3. Face like a painters radio

4. Her fanny's like a hippos terribly sorry old boy, I am a little tired

5. Been shot over more times than Baghdad

6. handled more balls than David James

7. Got piss flaps like a gutted trout

8. Seen more stiffs than Taggert

9. Been cocked more times than John Waynes' shotgun

10. Even the tide would'nt take her out!

[Mr Skrunts]

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same =three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.


Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.'


Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had s*x?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian..'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'


Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have s*x at 8 o'clock this =morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks..'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.


You listen to this.'

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

(Touch tones....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'


DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'


Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'



DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to
Give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'


Sarah: 'No.'



DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'



Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest..'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'All right. When did you last have s*x, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'



Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'



DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'



Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'




DJ: Come on Sarah....where did you have it?









Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'


They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

[Mr Skrunts]

HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS

For those of us that have ever used a Haynes Manual (or Clymer or Chilton equivalents) in attempting home maintenance of a car or motorbike. For those who havn't used a Haynes Manual, these are the books aimed at those who want to fix their own vehicles and which keep qualified mechanics in paid employment putting things right afterwards. They are chock full of photos, diagrams and step-by-step instructions which are obvious if you are a fully qualified motor mechanic, but which are frighteningly sparse on detail for the average Joe in the street who wants to change a set of spark plugs on a 1981 VW Polo ....

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well bef

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

10 Usefull Insults For Women


1. She's seen more helmets than Hitler

2. Got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

3. Face like a painters radio

4. Her fanny's like a hippos terribly sorry old boy, I am a little tired

5. Been shot over more times than Baghdad

6. handled more balls than David James

7. Got piss flaps like a gutted trout

8. Seen more stiffs than Taggert

9. Been cocked more times than John Waynes' shotgun

10. Even the tide would'nt take her out!

Have you been using these as chat up lines Skruntie........it could explain why you are still single....

[Mr Skrunts]

THE VILEST JOKE EVER  (One for STMO)

Why is a pork pie like a pensioners fanny?.

 

Because you have to bite off the crust and

lick out the jelly before you get to the meat

 

eating a pork pie will never b the same again

[rob in gib]

THE VILEST JOKE EVER  (One for STMO)

Why is a pork pie like a pensioners fanny?.

 

Because you have to bite off the crust and

lick out the jelly before you get to the meat

 

eating a pork pie will never b the same again

Have you ever pulled a toasted cheese sandwich apart
  ;

[Ghost]

10 Usefull Insults For Women


1. She's seen more helmets than Hitler

2. Got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

3. Face like a painters radio

4. Her fanny's like a hippos terribly sorry old boy, I am a little tired

5. Been shot over more times than Baghdad

6. handled more balls than David James

7. Got piss flaps like a gutted trout

8. Seen more stiffs than Taggert

9. Been cocked more times than John Waynes' shotgun

10. Even the tide would'nt take her out!

you forgot
Tie a board round your arse so you dont fall in. [smiley=evil.gif] [smiley=evil.gif] [smiley=evil.gif]


As for the ausi thing I pmsl and cant call an ambulance for laughing Nice one [smiley=evil.gif] [smiley=evil.gif] [smiley=evil.gif]

[PhilRich]

I've had to stop drinking liquids while reading your jokes Skruntie, I can't afford to keep replacing the blown motherboards on my laptop

[Mr Skrunts]

I've had to stop drinking liquids while reading your jokes Skruntie, I can't afford to keep replacing the blown motherboards on my laptop

My appologies.   (NOT) you should know better than to have drinks near computer equipment.

[PhilRich]

I've had to stop drinking liquids while reading your jokes Skruntie, I can't afford to keep replacing the blown motherboards on my laptop

My appologies.   (NOT) you should know better than to have drinks near computer equipment.

The drinks are nowhere near the computer, they are safely on their way down my new esophagus until  I lose control of my swallowing, and that's all down to you. I shall have a letter in the post from my solicitor first thing in the morning, you can expect to receive it anytime in the next millenium

[Mr Skrunts]

there was a guy with no arms and no legs sunbathing on the beach,

3 hot girls take pity on him , the first girl goes up to the guy and asks him if he has ever been hugged....the guy said 'no'

so she leans over and gives him a hug.

the secong girl goes up and asks ' have u ever been kissed'....the guy then says 'no'

so she leans over and gives him a kiss.

the third girls then walks over and asks ' have u ever been oppsed??'

the guy, trying to contain his excitement, quikly says 'no'

the girl leans over and says ' well, you are about to be because the tide is coming in!!




Appologies to anyone who is or knows anyone with limbs missing.

[PhilRich]

there was a guy with no arms and no legs sunbathing on the beach,

3 hot girls take pity on him , the first girl goes up to the guy and asks him if he has ever been hugged....the guy said 'no'

so she leans over and gives him a hug.

the secong girl goes up and asks ' have u ever been kissed'....the guy then says 'no'

so she leans over and gives him a kiss.

the third girls then walks over and asks ' have u ever been oppsed??'

the guy, trying to contain his excitement, quikly says 'no'

the girl leans over and says ' well, you are about to be because the tide is coming in!!




Appologies to anyone who is or knows anyone with limbs missing.

BUZZZZZZ/CRACK/BANG/FIZZLE ...Oh Sh*t there goes another one!

[jonnycool]

That Aussie one really tickled me, couldn't stop chuckling for ages, absolutely cracking