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[mantagte]

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing
 rabbits and before  long, discovers that he's lost.
 Wandering about, he notices a panther
 heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
 The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh!
 I'm in deep doo-doo now!' 
 Noticing some bones on the ground close by, heimmediately settles down to
 chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
 Just as  the panther is about to leap, the
 old German  Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one
 delicious panther!i wonder, if there are any more around here?'
 Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in
 mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
'Whew!' says the panther, 'That was close!
 That old German Shepherd nearly had  me!' 
 Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene
 from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
 trade it for protection  from the panther. So, off he goes, but the
 old German Shepherd sees him heading after the panther
 with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and
strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
 
 The young panther is furious at being made a fool of
 and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to
 happen to that conniving canine!
 Now,the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with
 the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What
 am I going to do now?',  but instead of running, the dog sits down with his
 back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when
 they get close enough to  hear, the old German Shepherd says...
 'Where's that squirrel?      
 I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!
 
 the moral of  this story...
      
 
 Don't  mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always
 overcome youth and treachery!

[mantagte]

The boss  walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly  area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when
 you left your house, did you close your garage door?'
 The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the  question. 
 As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly
  was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about   his 'garage door..'
 He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her
   desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you
 see my Hummer parked in   there?'
 
 She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was
 an old mini van with two flat tires..

[mantagte]

 An elderly  gentleman.....
Had serious
 hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor
was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
 that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
 doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I      haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[mantagte]

Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns  to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old
now and I'm just full of
aches and pains.. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
 Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn  baby!?
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[mantagte]

An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it
was really great.. I  would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
'What is the name of that flower you give to
someone you love?
You  know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then
turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name ofthat restaurant we went to  last night?'

[mantagte]

 Couple in their nineties
are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells themthat they're physically okay, but they might want
to start writing things  down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything
 while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
Will you get me a bowl of ice  cream?'Sure..'
Don't you think you should write it down so you
can  remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.''Well, I'd like some
strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to  forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain
you'll  forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen.  After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
 bacon and eggs.. She  stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

[mantagte]

 A  man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It  cost me four thousand  dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
 'Twelve thirty..'

[mantagte]

 an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.A few days
later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and  said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
 Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
 The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.

[mantagte]

One
 more. . .!
 A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up
onto a stool.. After
 catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly,
 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied,
 'Arthritis.'

[Mr Skrunts]

Excellent.   

[waspy]

Good ones

[mathewst]

Two men were talking about financial problems.
One says: Did you see, our neighbours wife took all his money and left him!!
The other one says: OOuhhh he is very fortunate then. My wife has taken all the money BUT SHE IS STILL HERE!

[Dishevelled Den]

  all very good Manta 

[cem_devecioglu]

  was a boring night thanks

[Stevie-blunder]

Just going to the pub, I'm taking these with me (just printed them off)