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[Mr Skrunts]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'



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[Mr Skrunts]

Santa’s Bad Day

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then
Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa
even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw
end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

[Mr Skrunts]

WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN

   1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
   2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
   3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
   4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
   5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
   6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
   7. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
   8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ’sell by’ date.
   9. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.


10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a
Woman

    * 10. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have
      had in the past.
    * 09. Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical
      devices.
    * 08. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the
      closet.
    * 07. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
    * 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
    * 05. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
    * 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb
      and have it hauled away.
    * 03. A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
    * 02. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
    * 01. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
      back of your pickup truck.

[Mr Skrunts]

10 Things that Sound Dirty at Christmas, But Aren’t

    * 10. Did you get any under the tree?
    * 9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
    * 8. Check out Rudolph’s Honker!
    * 7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
    * 6. Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
    * 5. Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
    * 4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
    * 3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
    * 2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?
    * 1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

[rob in gib]

very good 

[Richie London]

 

[Mr Skrunts]

The Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put
some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last
night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of
yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you
insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

[Mr Skrunts]

SANTA’S PICK UP LINES

    * I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk,
      sister!
    * Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
    * Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
    * I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk,
      sister!
    * Some of my best toys run on batteries… <wink wink>
    * I see you when you’re sleeping - and you don’t wear any underwear, do
      you?
    * Screw the “nice” list — I’ve got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!
    * Wanna join the “Mile High” club?
    * That’s not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I’m just glad to see you!

[Mr Skrunts]

Is there a Santa Claus? - a physicist view

Consider the following:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and
germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has
ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according
to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per
household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good
child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each
Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park,
hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute
the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get
back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next
house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around
the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our
calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household,
a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us
must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the
sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even
granting that ‘flying reindeer’ (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal
amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the
weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four
times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft
re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3
QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The
entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times
greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be
pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.> In
conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead

[Stevie-blunder]

Brilliant Skruntie   
Keep 'em coming 

[Entwood]

 

[PhilRich]

Impressive, as usual Skruntie

[Mr Skrunts]

Press Release: Christmas Downsizing

Today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for
better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy
measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary:

   1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
      the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
      providing considerable savings in maintenance.
   2. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
      effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be
      condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
   3. The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
      French.
   4. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
      with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds
      have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
   5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
      Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications
      for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well
      as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
   6. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
      afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose
      per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let
      go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure
      management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
   7. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
      Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
      current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
      their outplacement.
   8. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
      scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.
      The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
      Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or
      a-mulching.
   9. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
      phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
  10. Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
      international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
      replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
      may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
      oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
  11. Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
      band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new
      music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the
      bottom line.
  12. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
      other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries
      over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels
      will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion
to include the legal profession (”thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), action is
pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the
right number.

[Del Boy]

 

[Mr Skrunts]

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3. A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a,scene,
kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get
mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had
here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one
night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may
suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you
smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers.
Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc.
One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother.
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it.
One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of
those feelings, let alone express them.

An extra point for BEER