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Author Topic: Joke Time (NWS)  (Read 773 times)

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Mr Skrunts

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Joke Time (NWS)
« on: 08 February 2010, 00:01:23 »
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. '
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody surely.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his f*#king widow!'
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #1 on: 08 February 2010, 00:02:45 »
A woman with a black eye, goes to the doctor. The doctor asks her: "What happened?" The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he knocks me around.." The doctor replies: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle." Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
And the doctor tells her: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #2 on: 08 February 2010, 00:05:59 »
Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #3 on: 08 February 2010, 00:07:08 »
Remember Tommy Cooper?
·      Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
·      I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
·      I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
·      Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
·      Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
·      A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'
·      A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
·      A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
·      I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
·      Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
·      I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
·      I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
·      I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.
Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.
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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #4 on: 08 February 2010, 00:08:57 »
Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents...

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me
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dbug

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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #5 on: 08 February 2010, 00:58:59 »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #6 on: 08 February 2010, 01:02:43 »
Excellent Skruntie  ;D ;D ;D
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waspy

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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #7 on: 08 February 2010, 06:37:33 »
Good ones Mr S ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #8 on: 08 February 2010, 08:36:56 »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
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Hannah Judes Dad

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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #9 on: 08 February 2010, 14:26:46 »
Another first class delivery of comedy. :y ;D
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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #10 on: 08 February 2010, 14:48:56 »
scruntie we must be on the same mailing list scary :y
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #11 on: 08 February 2010, 14:52:40 »
Quote
scruntie we must be on the same mailing list scary :y

Do you know my mate Graham, he sent them me over the weekend.  ::)

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alunonhisown

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Re: Joke Time (NWS)
« Reply #12 on: 08 February 2010, 14:56:08 »
Tommy Cooper ones were superb!! After all he was Welsh, from the same place as the Cheese and a Castle , oh and the Pie factory.
D.
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