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Author Topic: shufflers/coffin dodgers  (Read 1937 times)

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tidla

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shufflers/coffin dodgers
« on: 15 May 2010, 22:02:07 »
do they have to sign an agreement to adhere to some rules in order to get a pension?

heres how i think it reads..

newsagents.

1a. newspapers must be collected before 6am.

1b. the young lass behind the till is required by law to listen to how many times you had to pee last night, regardless of how many people are in the queue.

1c. when in a queue, always look to jump a place or too.

1d. if caught doing so, you must:

1e. look blank and ignore.

1f. glare at the accuser.

1g. blame it on dementia.

1h.blame it on the eyesight.

1i. under no circumstances must the queue position be relinquished.



permitted fragrances

2a. ralgex.

2b. deep heat.

2c. eau de wizz.

post office

3a. payments will only be made to those in the queue before the post office opens.

3b. stand as close to the person in front as possible.

3c. the heels of the person must be kicked at least once, with at least one bag swing.

3d. if the person in front is unable to determine items 2a to 2c, stand closer.

3e.see 1c.

3f. see 1b.

driving

4a. never let anyone out.

4b. never let anyone in.

4c. in stationary traffic, always block the juction.

4d. replys to those offended by such actions see 1e to 1h.

4e. always drive two foot from the bumper of the vehicle in front to prevent. 4b. 4b.

emergency vehicles

options are:

5a. pretend you have not seen it, continue at 20mph.

5b. stop at the most inconvenient spot.

5c. on a crossing.

5d. a narrow point in the road.

5e. any other point in the road at which no one can go anywhere.

schools

6a. 30mph is a minimum.

6b. ensure 1e, when you see albert your life long friend.

6c. ensure 1e. even if he is holding a stop sign.

permitted vehicles

7a nissan mica.

7b. there is no 7b.

things to remember

8a if any items are missed, dont worry there is always tomorrow.

8b. 8a is not guaranteed.



any amendments welcome... ::)
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plym ian

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #1 on: 15 May 2010, 22:54:20 »
Blimey that sounds like me oh god I'm getting old I'm only 32 :D
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Vamps

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #2 on: 15 May 2010, 23:18:09 »
Quote
Blimey that sounds like me oh god I'm getting old I'm only 32 :D

I was thinking along similar lines... ::) ::)
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BigAl

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #3 on: 15 May 2010, 23:39:33 »
Quote
Quote
Blimey that sounds like me oh god I'm getting old I'm only 32 :D

I was thinking along similar lines... ::) ::)
me too - I thought of "plym Ian" as i was reading the list  :D :D
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Pitchfork

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #4 on: 16 May 2010, 16:15:52 »
Leave us alone! >:(
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redelitev6

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #5 on: 16 May 2010, 16:27:46 »
when in a super market swing your trolley across the aisle to block off as much of the aisle as possible,even better if you can talk to another doddery old bugger on the other side doing the same thing as you, so the the aisle is now totally blocked >:(
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #6 on: 16 May 2010, 16:44:04 »
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when in a super market swing your trolley across the aisle to block off as much of the aisle as possible,even better if you can talk to another doddery old bugger on the other side doing the same thing as you, so the the aisle is now totally blocked >:(



Splendid advice Red 8-) 8-) :y
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waspy

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #7 on: 16 May 2010, 20:23:44 »
2c reminds me of a joke i was told years ago......What's 50 yards long & smells of p%ss? Post Office queue on pension day.
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hoofing it

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #8 on: 16 May 2010, 20:36:53 »
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Leave us alone! >:(
only applies to the over 70s
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waspy

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #9 on: 16 May 2010, 20:39:31 »
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Quote
Leave us alone! >:(
only applies to the over 70s


STOM :y
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hoofing it

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #10 on: 16 May 2010, 20:42:34 »
9.a.When parking the vehicle is fitted with reverse gear
   b.when parking if multi-story is full the nearest shop       
      window is fine.
10. return licsence to swansea :y
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Pitchfork

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #11 on: 16 May 2010, 22:36:27 »
Quote
Quote
Leave us alone! >:(
only applies to the over 70s
9.5 years to go for me then, but my guitarist is already 70!!
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tidla

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #12 on: 16 May 2010, 23:23:54 »
Quote
Quote
Quote
Leave us alone! >:(
only applies to the over 70s
9.5 years to go for me then, but my guitarist is already 70!!

way things are going, pension age will be 100.
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Hannah Judes Dad

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #13 on: 16 May 2010, 23:31:19 »
Do what my Grandad did at all roundabouts that were clear in all directions.Stop anyway and apply the handbrake ! another favourite of his was to never exceed 40 mph when out of town irrespective of the national speed limit.I inherited his car whern I was 17 as he had passed away that year.At 7 years old his car had only done 17000 miles and he had it from new.Needless to say I took it for an 'Italian Tune Up' and put 3500 miles on it in two months before part exing it for a new car back in 1989.
« Last Edit: 16 May 2010, 23:31:53 by hannahjudesdad »
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Don't wee on the electric fence

tidla

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Re: shufflers/coffin dodgers
« Reply #14 on: 16 May 2010, 23:41:51 »
rheumatism in the neck, stops you looking before you get to the junction.

affects many women also, but this is cured by shops selling hand bags and shoes.

(time to duck out i feel)  :-X
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