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[sir moanalot]

current speed legislation has been missread by thousands of elderly people. they think it reads-

built up area- 10-20 mph max, break every 20 yards incase something happens.

main road-35-45 mph, but drive in the gutter to provide a suicidal attempt to overtake.  indicate 1.4 miles before your turn to let other road users know where you are going in good time.

motorway-50-55.5 mph, you must pick either the slow lane or the middle lane and stay in it for the duration of your journey.  if being overtaken by a hgv then this is the only time you are able to speed up to 59mph.  if you choose the middle lane to stay in please remember to leave you indicator on for the duration of your trip, either side will be suitable.

parking- you must park two feet from the kerb at all times, park where you want but while parked wait in the vehicle constantly looking around -and look bemused.  fuel consumption needs to be considered when parking and moving off, rev the guts out of the vehicle - this will ensure you do not stall the vehicle -thus requiring another start-up.

and finally, when pulling out of junctions you must wait until a vehicle is nearby to crash into -you must keep the insurance companies busy- remember they are human too.

[Nickbat]

You forgot to mention the mandatory safety clothes - a flat cap or trilby. These prevent skull damage from bouncing against the roof when running over fag ends at high speeds (15mph +) in a car with pooped shocks.  

[STMO123]

I do a lot of driving around the city centre during the day, when these people are "using" the multi-storey car parks. These comments would be funny if they weren't so very, very true

[x25xe]

Nice.

 

[bob.dent]

And..................when waiting to pull out of a junction, the road has to be clear for a good half mile in both directions

[ians]

I look forward to the 'Chav in Corsa' version of this...

[Dazzler]

Don't forget the mandatory box of tissues for mopping up the dribble

[Tony H]

Don't forget the mandatory box of tissues for mopping up the dribble

Usually located on the back parcel shelf, which causes the driver to have to pull over, stop and get out to get a new tissue :-?

[TOOL]

lmao but oh so true 8-)