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[Nickbat]

As it's so quiet, you might have time to read this.


Dear Tech Support:
 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
 
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
 
Signed,
Desperate
 
 
------------------
 
 
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
 
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
 
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
 
 Good Luck, Tech Support
 
 
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Dear Technical Support,
 
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
 
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
 
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
 
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
  
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
  
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2007.
 
 
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and
Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
 
 
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and restyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
 
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.
 
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
 
 
What do I do?

[amigov6]

Massage parlour 1.0 seems to run well with privacy filter providing you do'nt use on line banking1

[Nickbat]

Massage parlour 1.0 seems to run well with privacy filter providing you do'nt use on line banking1

 

[Pete Elite]

A mate of mine told me this joke over 20 years ago and can't say i'd heard it before or since but then i don't get out much .


NASA decided to try and put a Monkey into space because they thought they could teach it a modicum of sign language to aid it in understanding problems and relaying answers back to mission control when asked.

The big day came, the countdown was over and blastoff. Well there was an almighty explosion and fearing the worst there was a search made for the nose cone of the rocket in a vain hope that the Monkey had survived.  

It was found half a mile away and to everybodies astonishment the Monkey was alive, just.

After a few weeks of nursing back to health they thought it was about time to try and ask it what had happened so brought in the signer to find out.

He signed to the Monkey, "what happened".

"The Monkey through out it's arms.

Put it's right hand in front of it's left with it's index finger and thumb together and moved the right arm forward in a left to right direction.

Held up both hands showing all his digits.

Thrust his lower torso forward in an explicit manner.

And lastly pointed towards his lower legs".

The NASA people asked the signer what it had said to which he replied he didn't have a clue.

They sent for the countries formost sign language teacher who also asked the Monkey "what happened".

It gave the same reply.
 
"The Monkey through out it's arms.

Put it's right hand in front of it's left with it's index finger and thumb together and moved the right arm forward in a left to right direction.

Held up both hands showing all his digits.

Thrust his lower torso forward in an explicit manner.

And lastly pointed towards his lower legs".

Well what did it say The NASA people asked.

I don't have a clue, i'm totally bewildered he answered.

Well as a last resort they sent for the world's greatest known sign language Professor and in asking the same question "what happened" got the same reply.


"The Monkey through out it's arms.

Put it's right hand in front of it's left with it's index finger and thumb together and moved the right arm forward in a left to right direction.

Held up both hands showing all his digits.

Thrust his lower torso forward in an explicit manner.

And lastly pointed towards his lower legs".

Please tell us you know what it's saying, the NASA people said with a look of hope on their faces.

Well said the professor "it said BIG DEAL TEN F**KING FEET" .