Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Baron Von Spongebob]

Can anyone join in?


Four men went golfing together; three headed to the first tee, and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man said, "My son is so successful he gave a friend a new home-for free."

The second man said, "My son is so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee.

The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man said, "Well, I'm proud to say that he's gay, and is doing very well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Course they can

Wheres my rather colourfill ive been to Gdansk and Warsaw  

[Baron Von Spongebob]

Science Class
 
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the Question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

"Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!
 

[Baron Von Spongebob]

Boiled egg!
 
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: It may take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid yesterday

[Nickbat]

Can anyone join in?


Four men went golfing together; three headed to the first tee, and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man said, "My son is so successful he gave a friend a new home-for free."

The second man said, "My son is so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee.

The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man said, "Well, I'm proud to say that he's gay, and is doing very well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

Course they can

Wheres my rather colourfill ive been to Gdansk and Warsaw  

Got returned as sub-standard. Council recylcers took the consignment yesterday. Said they would turn it into organic custard or something..  

[Crazydad]

Hey Guys these are getting better by the minute

all i can say is GREAT

[Nickbat]

Hey Guys these are getting better by the minute

all i can say is GREAT

Better put a stop to that, then!!   Try this:

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!". Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord,play a Jazz chord". A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ..... " A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[Baron Von Spongebob]

Are my testicles black?
 
A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"

"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.

"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"

Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".

The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"
 

[Nickbat]

Aaah, and now a heart-warming story....

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One
day a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on
the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took
an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking
with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with
hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project
mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel important.  At the end of the first week they even presented
her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little
girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.  When they
got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl
telling her about her 'work' on the building site and
the fact  she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to
earn all  this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I
worked all  last week with the men building a big house."My goodness
gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this
week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said "I think
so..... provided those c**ts at Jewson deliver the f***ing bricks."

[Crazydad]

       Language Barriers        

          
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

[STMO123]

Good stuff lads. I've laughed out loud a couple of times

[Nickbat]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Harvey and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together. Harvey arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Harvey said,"Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Harvey said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.  Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?' asked the mortician.

Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two a**holes. Every time we went to town folks would say "Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes."

[Nickbat]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Danny]

my contribution:

You bake a cake every year at xmas, do they call you a Baker?
You fix your mate's car, do they call you a mechanic?
On your annual day trip, you always drive the minibus, do they call you the bus driver?
You cut a mate's hair for a night out, do they call you a hairdresser?


But when you sh*g one sheep...!!

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads down to the docks once more for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
The old sailor asks "how am i doing?"
The prostitute replies "well sailor your doing about 3 knots"
He replies "3 knots, what's that supposed to mean?"
She says "Your knot hard, your knot in and your knot getting your money back"

[Nickbat]

THE NEW CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour
of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was
full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,"How
much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300
00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks'
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[STMO123]

Nick's on a roll