Dear Mr Werthers,
Thank you for your letter.
I was very concerned to hear that the local authority deems the Nag’s Head to be falling below the required standard for a licensed establishment. You have made a number of serious allegations, which I would like to address:
“An elderly gentleman vomiting on the pavement. Leering, drooling and making gestures of a sexual nature to passing schoolgirls.”
This man is well-known to the staff. He invariable smells of urine or TCP and is regularly ejected from the Nag’s Head. He can be very abusive and ejaculates freely, those words that you would not want to hear. Unfortunately, once outside the premises, we can not be held responsible for his actions. You may wish to know, however, that he claims to be the Chief Executive Officer of Hammershead Council.
"A local lady having to be admitted to Hammershead hospital suffering from shock after encountering a man with a pained expression, carrying his swollen testicles in a wheelbarrow before him."
I am very concerned to hear of the light of this local lady. The man in question, a Mr Jimbob P. Balls, suffers a terrible affliction for which he has just recently received medical attention. I cannot go into details, but the surgery required a lawnmower and a pair of shears. It is quite wrong for you to pick on this poor man. The local lady would be have more shocked if she’d seen him later in the newsagents browsing the magazines, but I shan’t go into that now.
A man dressed in a suit of armour proclaiming “I am Baron Miggy. Bring out your maidens”
Baron Miggy is the pseudonym of Algernon Minge-Ready, the well-known MP for this consituency. I would suggest, therefore, that you keep quiet about this matter.
A man shaped like a sponge, with a sheep on a lead, picking fights with the local collies.
You’ve heard of Care in the Community, I take it? I know, he shouldn’t have been let out, and so do you, but the "Hammershead Home for Those with Chronic Sheep Addiction" was closed by your lot to save money.
You're making me angry now.
A man in a spiderman suit, with a hairy object attached to his ear, asking local students if they needed somewhere to live, even just for that night and winking profusely.
It was you f**ing lot that closed the park toilets, where this man and his pet squirrel (now his Civil Partner) used to be live. That means YOU made him homeless, you pillock.
As for your last paragraph, Bob Dent does NOT have a drinking problem, as you imply, and was merely being witty and showing his great ability to quote DH Lawrence. (Yes, the author, you half-wit, don’t suppose you’ve got passed Noddy have you?). And don’t you EVER complain about Vauxhall Omegas. These are part of our culture and many many hours are spent maintaining them in roadworthy condition for future generations (well, OK, this generation).
Finally, the fact that used the terms “splendid” and “Alfa Romeo” in the same sentence shows how little you know about cars.
With very worst regards, you imbecile.
Mr Nickbat
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Topic: Dear Mr Nickbat (Read 1954 times)