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[Debs.]

 

[lee4206]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY?!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"

[The Elite]

Man walks into a pub and sees a large jar full of money with a sign on it that says 'WIN THE CONTENTS OF THE JAR, JUST MAKE THE DONKEY LAUGH, £5 TO ENTER'.
The guy says 'I'll have a crack at that' so he pays the barman and is lead to a small room at the back of the pub.
30 seconds later the donkey is roaring with laughter and the man gets the jar.
He goes back a week later and there's another jar full of cash on the bar and a sign that says 'WIN THE CONTENTS OF THE JAR, JUST MAKE THE DONKEY CRY, £5 TO ENTER'.
'Can I have a go at this' says the man,
'Sure' says the barman,
So again he pays his fiver and goes to the small room with the donkey in.
Again, 30 seconds pass and the donkey is in floods of tears, so off he goes to collect the prize.
Barman says 'thats amazing, do you know how many people tried that, how did you do it?!'
'Easy' says the guy, 'last week I told him I had a bigger c*ck than him, this week I showed him!'

[lee4206]

 

[Nickbat]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a b*tch.....

 

[lee4206]

 Why do men die before their wives?
 They want to.

[Debs.]

Marriage: it`s both a word and a sentence!  

[lee4206]

 I married Miss Right.
 I just didn't know her first name was "Always

[lee4206]

A duck walks into a pub, goes up to the barman and says
"Have you got any bread?"
The barman says "No."
the duck says "got any bread?"
Barman says "no, sorry we haven't got any bread"
Duck says "got any bread?"
Barman says "NO I told you i haven't got any bread!"
Duck says "got any bread?"
Bar man says
"IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR LITTLE YELLOW BEAK TO THE BAR!!!"
Duck says...
"got any nails?"
Barman says "NOOOOO!"
Duck says
"Got any bread?"

[cem_devecioglu]

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove were all walking along a beach together after a peace talk , when they spotted an empty champagne bottle lying in the sand . They popped it open, and a Genie materialised before them , announcing, "You have two wishes each."

First , George Bush said , "I wish I had an army of a million tanks to wipe out Saddam Hussein's army and free the people of Iraq! I also wish I had a fleet of a million oil tankers , to take his oil supplies when I'm done !"

The Genie granted the Chief Executive his wish .

"Ha !" Saddam retorted . "You won't defeat me so easily ! I wish there was an impregnable wall around all of Iraq , so no Iranians , Israelis or infidel Westerners may enter ! I also wish to be transported safely back to my palace in Baghdad !"

And with that , the Genie did his bidding , and Saddam vanished in a puff of smoke .

This left only General Cosgrove .

"Well , first of all ," said the good General ,"tell me about this wall ."

"Well , it's higher than any aeroplane can fly and thicker than any explosive can penetrate ," replied the Genie . "There are no entrances or exits . Basically , nothing can get in or out ."

"Right ," replied Cosgrove . "Fill it with water ."

 

[Debs.]

Broke-Back Mountain

The Top Ten "Old Western" Movie Phrases That Will Never Sound Quite As Innocent After That Gay Cowboy Movie....

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeeper!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

[lee4206]

23 people have been found stuck to the ceilings and walls of a Belfast station.
Police believe it was the work of Irish terrorists, using the first 'No More Nails' bomb.

[Debs.]

'No More Nails' bomb.

Lmao....

[Debs.]

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You with the teeth! P!ss off!"

[lee4206]

lol     whilst on nuns.

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"