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Author Topic: Funnies 1001  (Read 1563 times)

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Mr Skrunts

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Funnies 1001
« on: 03 July 2008, 10:27:05 »

Tony came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Tony, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Tony was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Tony was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Tony, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Tony.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Tony, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'
« Last Edit: 03 July 2008, 10:27:30 by skruntie »
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Entwood

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #1 on: 03 July 2008, 10:30:46 »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jimbob

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #2 on: 03 July 2008, 10:35:16 »
 ;D ;D ;D
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Field Marshal Dr. Opti

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #3 on: 03 July 2008, 11:23:58 »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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kris9128

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #4 on: 03 July 2008, 17:48:30 »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D  :y :y
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psychnurse

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #5 on: 03 July 2008, 17:52:19 »
Scruntie.... you make my day..... every day!  :y :y :y :y :y :y
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Vamps

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #6 on: 03 July 2008, 21:57:46 »
 ;D ;D ;D :y :y :y
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #7 on: 03 July 2008, 22:35:34 »
4 People 3 Parachutes


"There was a flight that had only four people on it - the pilot, a young boy scout, an elderly pastor and a scholarly looking gentleman. During the flight the pilot came back and said that they were experiencing engine difficulties and that the plane was going to crash. The good news was that they had parachutes, but the bad news was that there were only three.
Explaining that he had to make a full report of the situation to the authorities he quickly slipped on the parachute and jumped.

The scholarly gentleman stood up next and explained that he had studied at Oxford, Harvard, Yale and other such schools and that he was one of the most intelligent persons in the world. He said that the world needed his wisdom and great learning. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The pastor considered his age and the fact that he had lived a full life and told the boy that he should use the last parachute. The boy scout calmly said, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay." The most intelligent person in the world just put on my backpack before he jumped."

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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #8 on: 03 July 2008, 22:37:21 »
75 Year Old Sperm


A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains:
"Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.

Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #9 on: 03 July 2008, 22:38:38 »
92 Years and Still Active


A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
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FRE07962128

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #10 on: 03 July 2008, 22:41:02 »
Two FOUR crackers Skruntie!  It's the way you tell e'm. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
« Last Edit: 03 July 2008, 22:41:49 by FRE07962128 »
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #11 on: 03 July 2008, 22:47:41 »
Try my best Lizzie.   ;D ;D ;D :y :y
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Vamps

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #12 on: 03 July 2008, 22:48:59 »
Quote
Two FOUR crackers Skruntie!  It's the way you tell e'm. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y


Don't encourage him, he will goff and find a few dozen more... ;D ;D ;D
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #13 on: 03 July 2008, 22:53:25 »
Quote
Quote
Two FOUR crackers Skruntie!  It's the way you tell e'm. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y


Don't encourage him, he will goff and find a few dozen more... ;D ;D ;D


Might just do thet to pi$$ you off now... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Vamps

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Re: Funnies 1001
« Reply #14 on: 03 July 2008, 22:55:41 »
Quote
Quote
Quote
Two FOUR crackers Skruntie!  It's the way you tell e'm. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y


Don't encourage him, he will goff and find a few dozen more... ;D ;D ;D


Might just do thet to pi$$ you off now... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


 ::) ::) ::)
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