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Mr Skrunts

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Things
« on: 17 July 2008, 20:59:10 »

[size=12]What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 mins

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual Harassment

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
£3.99 a minute

What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through the chest with a sharp knife.

What have women and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for a women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
'Filthy' and 'Filty but wearable'

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever

Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A battery has a positive side.

Do you know why they call it a wonder-bra?
When it comes off, you wonder where the breasts went.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
two mothers-in-law

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it.

Why do women have smaller feet?
It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a women’s watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
Women that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right; I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?
Divorced

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It is called 'Wedding Cake'

Our last fight was my fault! My wife asked me "What’s on the TV?", I replied
"dust!"

In the beginning, God created the Earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has had any rest.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping in Knightsbridge and said”
I haven't eaten anything in four days!"
The woman looked at him and replied, "Wow, I wish I had your will power."

Young son: "Dad, is it true that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: “That happens in every country, son."[/size]
« Last Edit: 17 July 2008, 20:59:21 by skruntie »
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Jimbob

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Re: Things
« Reply #1 on: 17 July 2008, 21:03:25 »
 ;D ;D ;D
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Vamps

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Re: Things
« Reply #2 on: 17 July 2008, 21:15:07 »
 ;D ;D ;D
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smoothomega

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Re: Things
« Reply #3 on: 17 July 2008, 21:39:48 »
Very good, pmsl  ;D ;D ;D
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Entwood

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Re: Things
« Reply #4 on: 17 July 2008, 21:46:21 »
Excellent   :y :y :y

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
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maria

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Re: Things
« Reply #5 on: 17 July 2008, 21:51:09 »
Brilliant ;D ;D
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Things
« Reply #6 on: 17 July 2008, 22:00:38 »
[size=12]
Wedding Dress Joke

A young lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother,
“Mom, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies,
“Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mom, and later in the day meets up with his father and asks his opnion,
“Dad, why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
“Son, all household appliances come in white.”[/size]
« Last Edit: 17 July 2008, 22:01:34 by skruntie »
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m1ct

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Re: Things
« Reply #7 on: 17 July 2008, 22:04:19 »
This one is sad but soo true:

`Why is it so hard for a women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends`
  
;)
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Things
« Reply #8 on: 17 July 2008, 22:29:26 »
[size=12]Pussy Appearance Joke
 

A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him “Dad, what does a pussy look like?” The Dad confused, asks him “Before or after sex?” The kid replies “Ummm… before sex.” So the dad says to him “Well have you ever seen a beautiful rose with it’s soft red peddles?” “Yes.” says the son before continuing “What about after sex?” His dad replies, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”[/size]
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Things
« Reply #9 on: 17 July 2008, 22:31:40 »
[size=12]Hard As A Rock Joke
 

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. “Check this out!” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we should do with it?” With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it.”[/size]
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Things
« Reply #10 on: 17 July 2008, 22:32:42 »
[size=12]Furious Scrubbing Joke


One day a mother walked into the bathroom to find her little son Tommy furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she yelled. “Don’t try to stop me!” Johnny warned. “I’m gonna do this three times a day, because there’s no way I’m gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sister’s.”[/size]
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Things
« Reply #11 on: 17 July 2008, 23:16:33 »
[size=12]Smartly Dressed Woman Joke
 

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says “Hi there good looking, how’s it going?”

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.” To which he says “No kidding? I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”[/size]
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SWMBO

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Re: Things
« Reply #12 on: 17 July 2008, 23:48:18 »
Ok skruntie I read as far as the tile one and u'r top of the list again.  Now all I need is to move and get that balcony built :P
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Things
« Reply #13 on: 17 July 2008, 23:54:25 »
Quote
Ok skruntie I read as far as the tile one and u'r top of the list again.  Now all I need is to move and get that balcony built :P


About right then.   :-/
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JueV6

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Re: Things
« Reply #14 on: 17 July 2008, 23:58:00 »
OMG she's eating cherries and filling MY ashtray with stones.

I'll pay you to take her away skruntie...

£10 and she's all yours ;D ;D ;D ;D
« Last Edit: 17 July 2008, 23:58:18 by Juedu2 »
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