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[M16]

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?"

"It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs."

"You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little b*****d on your knee."

[Jimbob]

 

[M16]

Four married Australian guys go golfing...
During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:   'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'll paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:   'That's nothing,…… I had to promise my wife that I'll build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:   'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him,
'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.
What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?'
She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[M16]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
On their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died
Of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O,Neil, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

[albitz]

  Brilliant

[Elite Pete]

 

[Mr Skrunts]

 

[M16]

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
T.V. 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
and 'Service' Stations  
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking,   and one of them said   he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.  
BAM!!!  
It all came into perspective.    
I now understand what all those   'service' agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

[Jimbob]

Four married Australian guys go golfing...
During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:   'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I'll paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:   'That's nothing,…… I had to promise my wife that I'll build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:   'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him,
'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.
What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?'
She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

I'll remember that trick  

[LJay]

Lol!

[Richie London]

3 newleywed couples are in a hotel bar when the men get talking, they realise theve all just got married when 1 says,"my wifes still a virgin" the 2nd man says so is my wife and the 3rd says so is mine, well one of the men says lets play a game "whoever gets the most shags gets 50 quid off the other 2" when we come down for breakfast we ask for the amount of toast for the amount of shags we get, they all agree. next morning there all in the breakfast bar when one man places his order. " 3 slices of toast" please he says with a smile. 2nd man says "4 slice of toast please" hes says grinning away.  3rd man says " 7 slices of toast please love, and you better make 2 of them brown bread"  
 

[psychnurse]