What has P*ssed you off today?

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

£40,000....

40K...........

I think the yuppies started this crap off.

[Doctor Gollum]

Whenever someone asks if they 'can' have xyz, I always reply with 'You can, the question is may you...'

Usually raises a smile, but every so often it confuses the bejesus out of people, which is funnier. 

[YZ250]

Trying and eventually succeeding to remove the wheel bolts on all four wheels on Mrs YZ's car that some gorilla had tightened to 12,000Nm's instead of 120Nm's pissed me off today. 12,000Nm's is a lot of Nm's, just ask my lifelong faithful stubby half inch impact extension, which died doing battle with these ridiculously tight bolts. Little stubby had his head split in half fighting the cause.   
Car came from main dealer and is on the original tyres so don't know who's responsible for windy'ing them up so tight. All back on and to correct torque now. 

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

Whenever someone asks if they 'can' have xyz, I always reply with 'You can, the question is may you...'

Usually raises a smile, but every so often it confuses the bejesus out of people, which is funnier. 

Yes this modern request of "can I get", should always be interrupted with " a smack in the mouth ? certainly sir". 
First person I heard using it was an Aussie bloke I worked with for a while about 20 years ago.
We quickly agreed we were never going to like one another, so he kept out of my way until he far coughed back to the land of the Kangaroos.

[Doctor Gollum]

I also delight in handing people a 'straw' with their drinks, especially Chardonnay/prosecco... 

The 'straw' being a glass. Women of a certain age are really easy to get along with 

[Kevin Wood]

(Yesterday actually) The pheasant that decided to launch itself through the radiator grille of my XE.

[STEMO]

(Yesterday actually) The pheasant that decided to launch itself through the radiator grille of my XE.

Is it cooked right through yet?

[countrywoman]

My grand parents (RIP) ate the rabbit that ran into my car.

[Raeturbo]

Serves his right🤣

[YZ250]

Jeremy Wine and his double standards piss me off. Always bleating on about cars being too close to him while he's cycling, and he gets knocked off his bike by ........... another cyclist running a red light.    He said if it had been a car it would have ended up with fisty-cuffs.
But it's ok, as it was another cyclist they kissed, cuddled and made up. Isn't that heartwarming to hear. 

[ronnyd]

Jeremy Wine and his double standards piss me off. Always bleating on about cars being too close to him while he's cycling, and he gets knocked off his bike by ........... another cyclist running a red light.    He said if it had been a car it would have ended up with fisty-cuffs.
But it's ok, as it was another cyclist they kissed, cuddled and made up. Isn't that heartwarming to hear. 

He's just a self centred pillock.

[STEMO]

Jeremy Wine and his double standards piss me off. Always bleating on about cars being too close to him while he's cycling, and he gets knocked off his bike by ........... another cyclist running a red light.    He said if it had been a car it would have ended up with fisty-cuffs.
But it's ok, as it was another cyclist they kissed, cuddled and made up. Isn't that heartwarming to hear. 

It's really no good knocking him off his bike unless you're gonna do a proper job, and kill him. Now if that flashed up on my news feed it would make my day 

[countrywoman]

Idiots that drive up to temp traffic lights so close they have to do a 90 deg turn to go round them, this is in the middle of the queue not the front!

[Rangie]

Jeremy Wine and his double standards piss me off. Always bleating on about cars being too close to him while he's cycling, and he gets knocked off his bike by ........... another cyclist running a red light.    He said if it had been a car it would have ended up with fisty-cuffs.
But it's ok, as it was another cyclist they kissed, cuddled and made up. Isn't that heartwarming to hear. 

.

Should shoot the c**t, stirs the shit on any subject he discusses.

[STEMO]

Jeremy Wine and his double standards piss me off. Always bleating on about cars being too close to him while he's cycling, and he gets knocked off his bike by ........... another cyclist running a red light.    He said if it had been a car it would have ended up with fisty-cuffs.
But it's ok, as it was another cyclist they kissed, cuddled and made up. Isn't that heartwarming to hear. 

.

Should shoot the c**t, stirs the shit on any subject he discusses.

Come on, Mick, we can think of much more poetic ways for him to meet his end.
Going over a cliff, screaming, because someone removed his brake blocks. That would be nice