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[kris]

 i wish to appologise before i start. if i offend anybody it is not intentionable. but god is a tw4t. lost my mam 4 yrs ago. still kills me now. not a day goes by that she aint in my thoughts. i was living in kent at thr time. got a call off the police to tell me that she had collapsed in a shop and had been taken to hospital  and that she didnt have long left. jumped straight in the car and set off. drove as fast as i could but sods law got caught in traffic. she died as we pulled into the car park. for 4 years i have been running the trip over and over ( what if i had over taken that car. what if i had driven a bit faster  etc etc) my sister who was i n the car hasnt really spoken to me since ( she sort of blames me for not getting there sooner)

the guilt is starting to affect my life now. have asked the doc for help but he says it will pass eventually. been 4 yrs and it's still fressh as a da isy.

sorry to bore to bore you all wit my problems but need to get them off my chest

[Darth Loo-knee]

Kris go to your Doctors again and tell him you want some Bereavement Counselling, there are thinks like this available at most Doctors.

It is always the case mate to blame yourself or even others, its a natural thing. You were not to blame for the traffic etc..

Believe me it is a brilliant thing to be able to go and talk to someone who you have never met, and more than likely will never again and just get things of your chest.

Daz

[Dishevelled Den]

i wish to appologise before i start. if i offend anybody it is not intentionable. but god is a tw4t. lost my mam 4 yrs ago. still kills me now. not a day goes by that she aint in my thoughts. i was living in kent at thr time. got a call off the police to tell me that she had collapsed in a shop and had been taken to hospital  and that she didnt have long left. jumped straight in the car and set off. drove as fast as i could but sods law got caught in traffic. she died as we pulled into the car park. for 4 years i have been running the trip over and over ( what if i had over taken that car. what if i had driven a bit faster  etc etc) my sister who was i n the car hasnt really spoken to me since ( she sort of blames me for not getting there sooner)

the guilt is starting to affect my life now. have asked the doc for help but he says it will pass eventually. been 4 yrs and it's still fressh as a da isy.

sorry to bore to bore you all wit my problems but need to get them off my chest

You need dedicated grief counselling Kris - you'll not get it with your GP.  There's no point in trying to re-run that last journey - it's over.

I'm sure that your mother wouldn't have wanted this to have such a profound effect on your life for such a long period of time, so it would be more than reasonable to suggest that you did your best in some very difficult circumstances and that in the end you were there when it mattered.


http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor_4902.html


http://www.caringinfo.org/GrievingALoss

Don't let this eat you up, get some proper help.

[Vamps]

Kris go to your Doctors again and tell him you want some Bereavement Counselling, there are thinks like this available at most Doctors.

It is always the case mate to blame yourself or even others, its a natural thing. You were not to blame for the traffic etc..

Believe me it is a brilliant thing to be able to go and talk to someone who you have never met, and more than likely will never again and just get things of your chest.

Daz

Kris, it pains me to do so, but I must agree with everything LK has said, you need the opportunity to off load...

[Nickbat]

i wish to appologise before i start. if i offend anybody it is not intentionable. but god is a tw4t. lost my mam 4 yrs ago. still kills me now. not a day goes by that she aint in my thoughts. i was living in kent at thr time. got a call off the police to tell me that she had collapsed in a shop and had been taken to hospital  and that she didnt have long left. jumped straight in the car and set off. drove as fast as i could but sods law got caught in traffic. she died as we pulled into the car park. for 4 years i have been running the trip over and over ( what if i had over taken that car. what if i had driven a bit faster  etc etc) my sister who was i n the car hasnt really spoken to me since ( she sort of blames me for not getting there sooner)

the guilt is starting to affect my life now. have asked the doc for help but he says it will pass eventually. been 4 yrs and it's still fressh as a da isy.

sorry to bore to bore you all wit my problems but need to get them off my chest

I lost my dad at the age of 12 and, on my own, discovered my mum dead in bed at the age of 29.

I love them both because they made me what I am today and I'm very proud of that. Be happy that you had such a great Mum. What would she say if you keep dwelling on the past? "Come on, son, get on with life! - Make me proud of you!"

Life is precarious, but that's what makes each day precious. Don't waste them! Your Mum would clip you round the ear if she saw you moping!  She's not feeling guilty, so why should you?


Please don't be offended by my directness. This is my own take on your situation.     

[Big Fra]

Sorry to sound harsh, but it would have made no difference how fast you had driven or how many risks you had taken. Unfortunately it was your mums time.

I can appreciate you had wanted to be there, similar experiences etc.

But you have to appreciate you did not get involved in an accident and both you and your sister got to the hospital safe and sound.

Again, sorry to sound like the bad one, but I have felt and said things like you have posted on here, and I am passing on to you what I was told at those times.

I agree with what the chaps have said about grief counselling and believe it would be a good way to go.

Take care.

[Baron Von Spongebob]

We probably all relate at some time or another at what your saying..Time is a healer, The reality of it is get on with your life, I might sound harsh but beleive me, You have to move on. If you cannot, then take advice and seek counseling...

[Lizzie_Zoom]

Previous posts have given you sound advice and bereavement counselling is the right way to go.  See your GP and he will refer you to either external counsellors or, if your surgery is of the modern large practice type, an internal counsellor funded often by the County, in the case of Kent this would be the KCC.  Your doctor can advise.

Losing someone very close is never easy, especially when there was a lack of 'closure' for you at your Mother's end. I can understand whatever faith you hold to can be severely put to the test, but God does give life and does take it away once that persons work is done, with your Mother now in a far better place where one day you will join her. 8-) 8-) 8-) 8-)

[Jimbob]

give http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ a try 

these things happen, you have no need for guilt.

[Andy H]

You mentioned your sister 'sort of blaming you'. In a way it sounds as though you have lost her too.

Now is the time when family should be a source of comfort and support.

If you can, get her to attend joint counselling sessions with you. I don't know you or your sis but sometimes the most important things are the most difficult to say & a third person might make things easier.

Good Luck

[HolyCount]

Kris, I feel for you in your pain and your loss. However, the advice given above is all good stuff (especially Nick's, who said what I was going to).

Thing is, and I don't really know how to put this, so forgive me if I am somewhat clumsy ..... You weren't "on the spot" when your mum passed, which I feel makes you feel quilty about not being able to say goodbye properly.

It is never too late to say your goodbyes, indeed, it isn't really "goodbye". Your mum is still with you, in your heart, mind and memories. And, I believe, still with you in spirit.

I often still talk to my mum, who passed several years ago, and know from experience what she would tell me and that, above all else, she would want me to be happy --- as I am sure your mum wants for you. I know she is looking over me ( though sometimes I hope she is closing her eyes!!).

I have posted this poem a couple of times and please forgive me for doing so again:

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

 

Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

[Banjax]

give http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/ a try 

these things happen, you have no need for guilt.

my wife works in healthcare and advises cruse, you can self-refer without going through a GP (a referral from a GP would be on your medical records and could screw up or hinder any future life insurance as this would need to be disclosed to the insurer)
however if you feel that you are suffering from a reactive depression to the bereavement then do see your GP

either way you will get through it, you won't forget, but you'll find a way to deal with the pain (us humans are a resilient bunch of bar stewards  )

[Dishevelled Den]

Kris, I feel for you in your pain and your loss. However, the advice given above is all good stuff (especially Nick's, who said what I was going to).

Thing is, and I don't really know how to put this, so forgive me if I am somewhat clumsy ..... You weren't "on the spot" when your mum passed, which I feel makes you feel quilty about not being able to say goodbye properly.

It is never too late to say your goodbyes, indeed, it isn't really "goodbye". Your mum is still with you, in your heart, mind and memories. And, I believe, still with you in spirit.

I often still talk to my mum, who passed several years ago, and know from experience what she would tell me and that, above all else, she would want me to be happy --- as I am sure your mum wants for you. I know she is looking over me ( though sometimes I hope she is closing her eyes!!).

I have posted this poem a couple of times and please forgive me for doing so again:

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

 

Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

Well posted K

[LJay]

Chin up Kris, It's not your fault!
Your sisters blame is just her reaction to her grief, maybe seeking help together will help to heal the rift!
I know of people who have used cruse and found them helpful, its easier to unload on a stranger!





Nice poem Holy Count, I've lost a few people recently and it kind of put things into perspective!

[HolyCount]

Chin up Kris, It's not your fault!
Your sisters blame is just her reaction to her grief, maybe seeking help together will help to heal the rift!
I know of people who have used cruse and found them helpful, its easier to unload on a stranger!





Nice poem Holy Count, I've lost a few people recently and it kind of put things into perspective!

Good point there Ljay. And, yes, that poem has been of great support in times past ( and no doubt, will be so again in the future)