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Author Topic: Contract Killing  (Read 1365 times)

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LJay

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Contract Killing
« on: 15 September 2009, 18:57:59 »

So, here's the story. . .


Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
 

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'


Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor......

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.   

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..








(You're going to hate me for this .... )






'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'   

Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.
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Jimbob

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #1 on: 15 September 2009, 19:10:39 »

Groan

 ;D ;D ;D

Nickbat

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #2 on: 15 September 2009, 19:44:57 »

I like that!  :y ;D ;D

Reminds me of the story about a chap who escapes from a psychiatric unit. He goes into the local town and seeks refuge in a launderette. Being a sexual psychopath, he shows no mercy and has his wicked way with the women who are doing the service washes there. Shortly after, he flees the town and evades the capture.

The headline in the tabloid?

Nut screws washers and bolts.


 ;) ;D ;D


Sorry, I'll get my coat.  :-[ :-[
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Jimbob

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #3 on: 15 September 2009, 19:48:41 »

Groan again.....

still can't be as bad as the dwarf fortune teller who escaped from prison....

A Small Medium at Large  ;D ;D ;D

LJay

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #4 on: 15 September 2009, 19:56:55 »

Oh god! It's started!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Stevie-blunder

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #5 on: 15 September 2009, 19:58:04 »

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
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Jimbob

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #6 on: 15 September 2009, 19:59:43 »

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.

waspy

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #7 on: 15 September 2009, 20:35:40 »

Quote
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'   

 ;D ;D ;D ;D


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CaptainZok

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #8 on: 15 September 2009, 21:05:01 »

Quote
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.
You cleaned that up a bit from the version I was told. ;D
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mantagte

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #9 on: 15 September 2009, 21:12:39 »

excellent ;D ;D ;D
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Ziad

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #10 on: 15 September 2009, 23:46:24 »

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #11 on: 16 September 2009, 13:12:58 »

Quote

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'   

Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.



 ;D ;D ;D it's quite sweet all the same  ;D ;D :y
« Last Edit: 16 September 2009, 13:16:08 by Zulu77 »
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #12 on: 16 September 2009, 13:13:58 »

Quote
I like that!  :y ;D ;D

Reminds me of the story about a chap who escapes from a psychiatric unit. He goes into the local town and seeks refuge in a launderette. Being a sexual psychopath, he shows no mercy and has his wicked way with the women who are doing the service washes there. Shortly after, he flees the town and evades the capture.

The headline in the tabloid?

Nut screws washers and bolts.


 ;) ;D ;D


Sorry, I'll get my coat.  :-[ :-[



 ;D ;D ;D splendid  ;D ;D :y :y
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #13 on: 16 September 2009, 13:15:07 »

Quote
Groan again.....

still can't be as bad as the dwarf fortune teller who escaped from prison....

A Small Medium at Large  ;D ;D ;D


 ;D ;D :y
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Dishevelled Den

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Re: Contract Killing
« Reply #14 on: 16 September 2009, 13:17:20 »

Quote
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D outstanding  ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
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