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[Mr Skrunts]

A New Year Prayer for the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Mr Skrunts]

Dieting - New Resolutions

2006: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2008: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 3 days a week.
2010: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

[Mr Skrunts]

New Year's Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped,
I haven't lost my temper,
I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.
I'm very thankful for that. 
But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

[Mr Skrunts]

A New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

[Mr Skrunts]

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

[Omegadoha, Desert Member]

good ones 

[Mr Skrunts]

Over Sixties One-liners

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

[Omegadoha, Desert Member]

more guddens 

[dbug]

 

[Mr Skrunts]

Keep on Walking -
One-liners for those who are mentally over 60s.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[Mr Skrunts]

A Dozen Gentle 'Thoughts for Today' as We Grow OlderLost and Found

   1. Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
   2. The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
   3. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?
   4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
   5. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
   6. He who hesitates is almost certainly right.
   7. Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.
   8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
   9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  10. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt..
  11. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
  12. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

[Mr Skrunts]

Borrowing the Car

Roger and Emily, modern 21st century parents, allowed their 17 year old daughter, Kate, to borrow the family car whenever she wanted.

Last Saturday night Kate returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father, Roger, went out to the drive to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

At 11:30am Kate sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, 'Darling, what time did you get in last night'

'Not very late, Dad,' Kate replied nervously as she thought about being allowed to continue borrowing the car.  With a dead pan face Roger continued, 'Then, my little angel, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tyre of the car.

[Amigo]

A New Year Prayer for the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

I'm pretty much there!!!!

[Mr Skrunts]

Mathematics of Marriage

   1. Smart man + smart woman = romance
   2. Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
   3. Dumb man + smart woman = affair
   4. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
   5. Smart boss + smart employee = profit
   6. Smart boss + dumb employee = production
   7. Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
   8. Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

[Mr Skrunts]

Who is there?

Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting older. One said, 'Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich' .

The second lady chimed in, 'Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.'

The third one responded, 'Well, I am glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood, 'as she rapped her knuckles on the table. She looked up and said, 'That must be the door, I'll get it!'