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[Terbs]

 
Hi Boys and Girls....

Sorry but this post is very depressive but I need help or advice badly....so it may run on a bit.
My mother is almost ninety and is doing my head in. She lives in a flat and has got paranoid about others living around her.
She now thinks that they are using her heating. I said she will have to go into a home if she feels this badly, but she contradicts herself all the time, one day, yes, next day 'I'm not moving'.
She won't have anything to do with the Doctor, under the guise that they don't want old people in the surgery. I cannot argue in any way or contradict her in any way without her taking umbrage.
I just don't know what to do....anybody been through this

[Mysteryman]

I can't give any advice of my own, I have no knowledge of such things. But I'm sure that if you give Age Concern a ring, they would be able to advise you. I don't think your situation is that uncommon.

[Jimbob]

Yes we went through similar a few years ago..

Total distrust of Doctors,
Fear of hidden agendas
Hearing things
Paranoia

Think a lot of it is a generational thing and happens as they get older.
Cant really advise much, as our case came to the usual sad natural end, as these things often do, (mid 90's)

[pscocoa]

This is also a Social Services issue as she may be classed as at risk and you should not hesitate to pick up the phone to them - this may be of use:

http://www.dementiaweb.org.uk/social-services-and-dementia.php

but contact your local authority asap and Age Concern as well

[Varche]

Hi

I can identify with your situation from personal experience. One uncle saw two black people at the bus stop in the all white village he lives in and then heard a noise in his attic and is now convinced that they(and their family) are all living in his attic. (it is a small bungalow) The police went round and couldn't find anyone up there but he remains convinced they are there. In all other respects he is quite normal. In a months time he will have forgotten about that and started off on something new.

I would suggest you get third party help. Try having a chat with social services. does your mother need help with daily tasks like getting dressed, washed or making meals? There is (for the time anyway) a good array of help available. Perhaps having a neutral person around would defuse tension.

I am no doctor but maybe some form of medication (happy pills) would probably be beneficial too. Of course the big hurdle is getting her seen buy a doctor followed by her then regularly taking the medication.

Hope that helps, don't despair.

[Terbs]

Thanks for that link....its very imformative.
Lord knows how I am going to get this across as she insists she is not 'going round the bend'. Even If I go behind her back, she will go 'off on one'
This is turning out exactly as she has told me my grandmother finished up. but she won't acknowledge it.
This may sound harsh, but my wife and me have agreed 100% that neither my mother nor her mother will come here to live, because of the practicalities, etc.

[Terbs]

Hi

I can identify with your situation from personal experience. One uncle saw two black people at the bus stop in the all white village he lives in and then heard a noise in his attic and is now convinced that they(and their family) are all living in his attic. (it is a small bungalow) The police went round and couldn't find anyone up there but he remains convinced they are there. In all other respects he is quite normal. In a months time he will have forgotten about that and started off on something new.

I would suggest you get third party help. Try having a chat with social services. does your mother need help with daily tasks like getting dressed, washed or making meals? There is (for the time anyway) a good array of help available. Perhaps having a neutral person around would defuse tension.
I am no doctor but maybe some form of medication (happy pills) would probably be beneficial too. Of course the big hurdle is getting her seen buy a doctor followed by her then regularly taking the medication.

Hope that helps, don't despair.

This is the thing, Varche....she is fully mobile, gets dressed, cooks food ok, goes on the bus down to town for a bit of shopping, has a car to take her to 'local' shops where there is a bus problem.
We have managed to get a cleaner in for an hour once a month, and by heck, did that take some doing. I am waiting for the call to say she has told the cleaner not to come.
I am gonna try tp help from somewhere and if she would only see the doctor that would possibly help. But last time we 'arranged' an 'informal' visit from the nurse....all hell broke loose, and she knew it was planned.
Sorry to tug you lot into it, but I have just had a half hour phone call from her, counter-productive on all I try to say or do and just needed to talk (albeit electronically)

[pscocoa]

if people using her heating is the main problem then rather than keep pushing back on this have a mate come round to "test" the heating and say that he has made sure that the heating is her place only - he will have to be a good actor and have some sort of ID I suppose as she sounds quite sharp.

When visiting my mother in hospital a few years ago the lady in the next bed had dementia and people just avoided her because she came out with strange things and kept repeating them.

I just do things my own way and also came out with stuff eg she said she was from Denton - so I became the Mayor of Denton, another time I was a trolley bus driver and my regular parting comment was to put her in charge of the bingo on the ward (which did not exist). You probably think I am strange but it tweaked certain parts of her memory and you just play the best you can to the situation. Does this make things worse? I don't think so because the alternative is either no-one speaks, ducks the problem or you engage her in chat which is non confrontational.

[aaronjb]

I have no smart advice, I'm afraid (though I dread the day I'm in your position, so you have my sympathies), but:

This may sound harsh, but my wife and me have agreed 100% that neither my mother nor her mother will come here to live, because of the practicalities, etc.

I think it's quite likely that for anyone who's been a carer or been closely involved with a carer, that doesn't sound harsh at all.. I was still living at home when my mum was primary carer to her father (who lived with us) who was suffering from advanced Parkinsons and a touch of senility I suspect.. it was heartbreaking for all involved and all of us - my parents especially so - have said we wouldn't do the same again.. It's incredibly hard on a family, and I suspect ultimately isn't necessarily the best option anyway. </ramble>

Anyway.. good luck.

[Chris_H]

I wholeheartedly sympathise with your position.  My father had Louis Body Parkinsonism and that threw up a whole load of challenges for 3 years until he passed away.  My mother is 91 this year and is close to what you describe.

We have found that playing games (going along with what she says insofar as we can) buys some peace and quiet.  There is a moral dilemma for us in that we don't really want to lie or deceive.

One example: The SS suggested we apply for Attendance Allowance for my mum saying even if she isn't eligible yet, she can apply again later.  Well she got it, but the letter that came with it said it was because she needed help with her bodily functions.  She went potty and was seriously offended.  For a person whose memory is flaky due to age, she remembered this letter very well indeed! So, after failing to explain away the given reason, we told her to send back the money saying it was given under false pretenses.  The offence quietend-down several decibels after that!

One observation I have made is that the blood-relation finds it harder to handle than the in-law relation so if you have another half...?

[Terbs]

Chris, smack on mate...
I do have 'the other half', and she does stacks for my mum. You also have to bear in mind, she has to look after my Mother-in-Law, who is ninety, had two heart attacks. MIL is six months older than my mother, moans about everyone and everything, but her mind is sound. The problem we have with her, is that she will take an overdose if time comes she cannot be independant. That has been made quite clear.

I do as you...I say nothing, just let my mum go on and on.
I am going round there now, so will probably be a demented wreck when I get back.
Sorry this is a car forum........but when needs must

[Chris_H]

PM me or we could get on Skype if you want to rant later!

Thank you for bothering with your Mum.  I know it should be taken for granted but it sometimes helps for someone to say it.

[Terbs]

Probably PM you later...Have been round to see her....its me now on the verge
I feel powerless...not going to post on here....not fair to others

[mrgreen]

yes when they are older reality becomes more ellusive my mother had her mother till she was 99 in the house and has finally had to put her in a home and she comes up with some whoppers (she met the queen e.t.c.)  me personally I think that at this age it's hard to do what's right for them but it's also hard to do wrong by them as you know in the depths of your heart what you do will be only the best for them, good luck, Rich

[jereboam]

What sort of accommodation is your mother in?  If she has her own house, it sounds like it's time she moved to some sort of sheltered accommodation.  If she is already in such a place, then it's best to let the managment there deal with her. 

Getting her to abandon her own home for a flat in a block full of other old people will be a horrendous struggle, but it has to be done, or you will have no respite over the coming years. 

I have to deal with a 93-year old maiden aunt in London, and I know how difficult these problems can be.  I live 90 miles away, and I have a number of cousins who actually live a lot nearer.  My aunt, however, has managed to fall out with all of them, and won't talk to them any more.  There's just me and my brother left speaking to her, and my brother lives in Edinburgh.

We are totally reliant on the manager of the block of flats she lives in, and we need to keep it that way, because otherwise poor Auntie will become completely isolated.