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[omegaman2]

I went into the general store and asked the shopkeeper if he had cheesy nik-naks he called me a dirty b*****d and told me to get out  

[hotel21]

I walked into a bar and said Ouch - 'cos it was an iron bar....... (with thanks to the late great Chic Murray...)  

[STMO123]

I walked into a bar and said Ouch - 'cos it was an iron bar....... (with thanks to the late great Chic Murray...)  

Or Tommy Cooper

[Markie]

I walked into a bar and said Ouch - 'cos it was an iron bar....... (with thanks to the late great Chic Murray...)  

saw a guy at the Highland games with a long stick....i said to him " are you a Pole Vaulter"..."no" he replied " im German but how did you know my name?"

same late great i think....

[hotel21]

Visiting London, Chic Murray was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?".  He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."  





or




My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it - post dated of course.

[STMO123]

I walked into a bar and said Ouch - 'cos it was an iron bar....... (with thanks to the late great Chic Murray...)  

saw a guy at the Highland games with a long stick....i said to him " are you a Pole Vaulter"..."no" he replied " im German but how did you know my name?"

same late great i think....

The only one I remember by Chic was "I was lying on the floor at the bottom of some steps. A fella says to me 'Did you fall down' I says 'No. I was trying to break this bar of chocolate in my back pocket'

[Markie]

Man notices young boy falling in street....." did ye fall there son"..."naw" replied the youngester sarcastically " i`m trying to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket...."  

I`ll stop now....

[Markie]

I walked into a bar and said Ouch - 'cos it was an iron bar....... (with thanks to the late great Chic Murray...)  

saw a guy at the Highland games with a long stick....i said to him " are you a Pole Vaulter"..."no" he replied " im German but how did you know my name?"

same late great i think....

The only one I remember by Chic was "I was lying on the floor at the bottom of some steps. A fella says to me 'Did you fall down' I says 'No. I was trying to break this bar of chocolate in my back pocket'

blody `ell 2 seconds between us - look below your original post  

[hotel21]

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.


or


I knocked and the woman opened the door in her night dress.   I thought to myself at the time what a strange place to have a door.

[STMO123]

I walked into a bar and said Ouch - 'cos it was an iron bar....... (with thanks to the late great Chic Murray...)  

saw a guy at the Highland games with a long stick....i said to him " are you a Pole Vaulter"..."no" he replied " im German but how did you know my name?"

same late great i think....

The only one I remember by Chic was "I was lying on the floor at the bottom of some steps. A fella says to me 'Did you fall down' I says 'No. I was trying to break this bar of chocolate in my back pocket'

blody `ell 2 seconds between us - look below your original post  

Jeez. I hope we never go for the same car on ebay

[Markie]

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.


or


I knocked and the woman opened the door in her night dress.   I thought to myself at the time what a strange place to have a door.

  new to me - best one yet!!!!

Highland Policeman finds a drunk in Sauchiehall Street, Glasgow and drags him into nearby Hope street to charge him as he cant spell Sauchiehall.......


Dont blame me i`m just repeating it  

[hotel21]

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

[familyman]

I take the mother in law every where i go just so i don't have to kiss her goodbye (the late Les Dawson)

[Danny]

I take the mother in law every where i go just so i don't have to kiss her goodbye (the late Les Dawson)

top notch that one!!

[Crazydad]

A young Monk goes into the Monatery and gets shown around by an old Monk,
the young monk says father what fo i do if i get an urge.......you know if something naughty comes over me
The old monk says Yes my son i understand,come with me...... he takes him into a room where there is nothing but a cupboard in the middle..... the old munk opens the door and a bare bum(Censored) looks back at him..... the old monk say from sunday till Friday you can work off your urges as often as you want.......... the young monk,....... from sunday untill friday, what do i do then on Saturdays?.......the old monk says on saturday my son ..You have Cupboard duties..........................