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[deviator]

Just heard my local motor factors is shutting down because of Corona. They said the 2m a part rule means they can't be profitable.

[Varche]

(Not )working from home


Please choose from the following options:

Go away, I’m watching the Formula1
For our latest Covid-safe policies, please visit cant-be-*beep*-dot-com.
The wait time for the dental surgery is three minutes. Please continue to hold.
Our store is now closed until further notice. To return your delivery, please take it to your nearest DPD drop-off point.
No, you can’t register your father’s death. Don’t you know there’s a pandemic on?
Bank opening hours are now 10am until 3pm, except between the hours of 10am and 3pm.
You may experience delays due to Covid-19. These will go on until the spring of 2021, and quite possibly the autumn of next year. Depends how long we can string it out.
The wait-time for the dental surgery is three minutes. Please continue to hold.
You are number 33,471 in the queue. Your call is important to us, but we’d rather you got really furious and hung up because Denise is busy working from home. And Nadal is at match point.
If you are suffering from the symptoms of Covid-19, or if you live with anyone who has symptoms, or if you have been to any retail outlet or venue in the past 14 days where someone’s auntie was rumoured to have tested positive, you can syringe your own bloody ears.
The wait time for the dental surgery is three minutes. Please continue to hold.
Because of Covid, the DPD drop-off point is now closed. If you wish to return your parcel, please consult our online booking service.
The online booking appointment facility at this surgery is suspended due to Covid-19. Do NOT attempt to visit the surgery in person. You will be forced to stand in a queue in the rain outside because of the coronavirus, where you will develop hypothermia. That’ll teach you for bothering us with your “tumour” during a global pandemic.
We are unable to deliver your contact lenses because you have not attended your annual check-up. The next available appointment for a contact lens check-up is in December.
If your child has forgotten their water bottle, they must not drink from a school tap. They may, however, stand outside in the playground with their mouth open and hope that it rains, while maintaining the appropriate social distancing measures.
Sorry, it is not permitted to eat sweets at Hallowe’en because of the coronavirus. For further details of totally disproportionate council regulations, please consult our website page, Covid Safe, Safer, Safest.
Until further notice, Wednesdays are now closed. Thursdays will be moved to alternate weeks due to staffing shortages caused by the coronavirus pandemic.
If you have punctured your eardrum while syringing your ear, please do not come in to the surgery. Dial 111 and await further excuses. Just because, you know, Covid, blah blah, Covid.
The dental surgery is now closed. You can listen to this message again in the mornin

[JasonH]

This is the first year I won't be running the London marathon because of COVID.


Normally I don't do it because I'm fat and can't run.

[Entwood]

An oldie but goodie .....

WANTED.

A reward is offered for information leading to the arrest of Eddy Current. This unrectified criminal escaped from a Weston primary cell where he had been clamped in ions, awaiting the gauss chamber.

The escape was planned in three phases. First he fused the electrolytes, then he climbed through a grid, and then he finally ran to earth in a nearby magnetic field.

He is charged with the induction of an 18 turn coil named Milli Henry, who was found choked and robbed of valuable joules. He is also charged with driving a DC motor over a Wheatstone bridge and refusing to let the band pass.

He is armed with a carbon rod and is a potential killer. If encountered, he may offer resistance.

He was last seen riding a megacycle, and it's believed he returned ohm via a short circuit. He has been missing since Faraday.

Signed
Lt-Col Coupling

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

A boy comes home from school and tells his Dad he cant do his homework that night.
Dad asks why, and the boy explains that he has to find examples of the difference between theory and reality, and doesnt know where to start.
Dad says "right then boy, go and ask both your Mother and Sister if they would sleep with a fat, dirty, smelly old tramp for a million quid".
The boy come back and tells his Dad that they both said yes, they would.
Well there you have it then Boy, theres your example".
Boy says" dont know what you mean Dad."
Dad says, "well boy. In theory we are sitting on a couple of million quid, but in reality, were living with a pair of old slappers."

[Shackeng]

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

 

 A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

 

Furious film fan and part-time plus-size XXXL model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the 'Ink It Good' Tattoo Emporium in Wellgate, Yorkshire last week, to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

 

Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

 

 “It was a  big job in more ways than one.”   he told us “I’d just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

 

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area  with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

 

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

 

Jason and Tracey  were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency  department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

 

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow’s not there anymore. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind would be more appropriate. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

 

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

 

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and  Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go when he's doing close up work, there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course.  My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning, and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just quietly crept out.”

 

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we asked him to comment on what had happened “People just don’t  appreciate the dangers.“  he told us, “We get more call outs to flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now that people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

 

On behalf of the entire Fire and Rescue service, we wish them both a swift recovery.

[Sir Tigger KC]

I thought about telling a Covid joke but 99% of you wouldn't get it.....

[Raeturbo]

Ahh, a small mercy from you Steve👍

[JasonH]

Two men are out fishing at their favorite spot, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, 'I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

John continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,....

......'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find!.'

[STEMO]

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital

 

 A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

 

Furious film fan and part-time plus-size XXXL model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the 'Ink It Good' Tattoo Emporium in Wellgate, Yorkshire last week, to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.

 

Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

 

 “It was a  big job in more ways than one.”   he told us “I’d just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

 

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area  with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

 

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

 

Jason and Tracey  were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency  department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

 

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow’s not there anymore. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind would be more appropriate. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

 

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

 

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and  Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go when he's doing close up work, there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course.  My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning, and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just quietly crept out.”

 

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we asked him to comment on what had happened “People just don’t  appreciate the dangers.“  he told us, “We get more call outs to flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now that people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

 

On behalf of the entire Fire and Rescue service, we wish them both a swift recovery.

Only just seen this, Chris. Brilliant 

[Mr Skrunts]

CHRISTMAS DRINKING WARNING JUST RELEASED:

Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys.
Rum and ice will ruin your liver.
Whiskey and ice will ruin your heart.
Gin and ice will ruin your brain.
Pepsi and ice will ruin your teeth...
There you have it! ICE is f*ckin lethal!!!!
Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice, just drink it straight!!

Forward this immediately. You could save a life!!!

And don't forget what it did to the f*ckin Titanic!!

[Varche]

SERIOUS LOCKDOWN ADVICE
Everyone, PLEASE be careful because people are going crazy from being locked down at home!
I was just talking about this with the microwave and the toaster while drinking my Pepsi, and we all agreed that things are getting realy bad.
I didn’t mention any of this to the washing machine, because she puts a different spin on EVERYTHING!! Certainly couldn’t share with the fridge, cause he’s been acting cold and distant!
In the end, the iron straightened me out! She said the situation isn’t all that pressing and all the wrinkles will soon get ironed out!
The vacuum, however, was very unsympathetic…told me to just suck it up! But the fan was VERY optimistic and gave me hope that it will all blow over soon!
The toilet looked a bit flushed but didn’t say anything when I asked its opinion, but the front door said I was becoming unhinged and the doorknob told me to get a grip!! You can just about guess what the curtains told me: they told me to “pull myself together!”

We will survive!!

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

Breaking news. This morning Mexico has announced that they will pay for the wall after all, and Canada has said they want one too.

[Varche]

 

[ronnyd]

Breaking news. This morning Mexico has announced that they will pay for the wall after all, and Canada has said they want one too.

They'll want two.