Sticky for Jokes

[Entwood]

About a month before he died, my grandfather smothered his back with lard. After that he went downhill really fast.

Studies show that women who are overweight live longer than the men who point it out to them.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

It has been reported that Google is planning to pull out of Israel due to problems with the net and Yahoo.

A dad is washing his car with his son. The son says: 'Dad, can't you use a sponge?'

I was going to write a song about a pub crawl, but  I couldn't get past the first few bars ......

One day, in Bible land, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mucker, I want you to
make me a new Ark".   Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the boss... " But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".   "20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK oh Supreme One, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah....  God replies; "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK... God my old mate, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" ....   Yep..."....   "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"........   "Correctamundo".........  "And you want it full of Carp?"........... "Check" .......... "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing.......     "Dunno", says God.....................  "I just fancied a Multi-Story Carp Ark".


It's Ok ... I'll fetch me coat ....... 

[Raeturbo]

Ha ha that's great.

[Varche]

My Senior's version of Facebook.

For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying  to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore , everyday I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I did last night and what I will do later and with whom, I give them pictures of my family , my dog (Fluke) and of me gardening and fixing my Omega, watering the lawn, standing in front of obscure and some less obscure landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody does any day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them "thumbs up" and tell them I "like them". And it works just like Facebook. I already have four followers. Two policemen, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

[Entwood]

While riding his Harley, a biker swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.  Dazed and confused he crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up driven by a very beautiful woman who asked if he was OK.
"I'm OK, I think," he replied as he pulled myself up to the side of the car.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home so that I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that."
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more injuries and treat them properly."
She was very persuasive (and very pretty), and being shaken and weak, he agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
They got to her place a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, he thanked her and said, "I feel a whole lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile.  "Stay a while.  She won't know anything.  By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess ..."

[deviator]

I went into Boots earlier and ask if they had anything that could kill Corona Virus, she said 'Ammonia cleaner', I replied, 'I'm sorry I thought you were a pharmacist.'

[Varche]

It is our 40th anniversary. Went out and bought a map of the world. Put it on the wall. Told my wife "take this dart and throw it at the map. Wherever it sticks...that's where I'm taking you "
Turns out we're having 3 weeks behind the fridge...

[deviator]

I'll put this in here as it's closer to a joke.
Please be aware this video is sweary and NSFW.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hks6Nq7g6P4

[Varche]

I am worried something might be wrong with my testicles.

One is larger than the others

[Mister Rog]

IMPORTANT:

Coronavirus Update - Panic buying


Electrical shops and DIY stores are running out of tape


. . . . lots of people are self insulating

[Varche]

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.

I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through."

A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?"

I said, "No, that's my blooming Pizza."

[Varche]

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For crying out, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

[Varche]

I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.

Haven't had any bids so far but 12 people watching.

[Sir Tigger KC]

They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.

They lied.

Everyone else had clothes on!

[Mister Rog]

Dianne Abbott has asked the BBC to stop Casualty and Holby City

. . . so that the staff can go and help in the Coronavirus crisis

[Varche]

Remember when people coughed to hide a f4rt?

Now people are f4rting to hide a cough.