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[albitz]

 

[Varche]

 

[Varche]

1. A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

[78bex]

The new prince is a lucky lad

He`s an instant millionaire.
      He`s met her majesty the Queen.
            and he`s sucked Kate Middleton`s tits

[scimmy_man]

I have just returned from the hospital after a bowl of herbs I was carrying in the garden blew into my face.

The doctor has told me that I am now parsley sighted.

[Rog]

The other night I settled down with a beer, on my own to watch a dirty p***o movie.

It was a strange one, just a fat bloke sitting in an armchair w**k**g





 . . . then I realized that I hadn't turned the telly on                     

[Varche]

A few one liners that made me laugh

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Tell you what, never again.

Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?

My  ex-girlfriend’s a lecturer. But, then, aren’t they all?

I’ll tell you what’s a tough job: coffee tasters. I don’t know how they sleep at night.

[MR MISTER]

The other night I settled down with a beer, on my own to watch a dirty p***o movie.

It was a strange one, just a fat bloke sitting in an armchair w**k**g





 . . . then I realized that I hadn't turned the telly on                     

 

[scimmy_man]

was working in Tesco, rearranging the boxes of soap powder in aisle 7 when in walked the young lady I pulled yesterday at the airshow.

She said "Oi, you told me you were a stunt pilot, you lying git."

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I replied, “No. I told you I was part of the Ariel display team!”

[Crazycarzowner]

I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

[Nickbat]

I saw an ad in a shop window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.

 

[Andy B]

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html

[Crazycarzowner]

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

  Groooaaaan!

[fastandy36]

A man goes to the doctors, doc says 'whats the problem..?', to which the man replies 'Ive got an orange co*k', 'hmmm' replies the doc, 'tell me, how do you spend your days...?', The man replies 'not much actually, just sit at home all day eating wotsits and watching porn'...!

[Sir Tigger KC]

An artist's eyesight is getting weak, but she has no insurance and can't afford glasses or contacts. An optometrist who has seen her work offers to comp her glasses if she'll paint a mural for his waiting room. So she spends the weekend painting eyes, of all colors and various sizes, on all four walls of the waiting room. Just eyes, chockablock everywhere you look. The doc comes in on Monday, and the artist says, "So what do you think?"

"I think I'm glad I'm not a gynecologist."