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[Crazydad]

       Policeman        

          

    What to not say to the nice policeman.

        I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

        Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

        Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

        Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!

        I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

        I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

        Bad cop! No doughnut!

        You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

        Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

        Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

        Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

        Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

        I pay your salary!

        So, uh, you on the take or what?

        Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

        Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

        I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

        What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

        Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

        Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

        Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

      

[Baron Von Spongebob]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
 
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.

"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"
 

[Baron Von Spongebob]

Don't Look!
 
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

 

[Golfbuddy]

Here's my effort. Thanks for putting us on the spot mate.  

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked," Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the boss asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No, he's busy."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
the small voice whispered, "No, she's busy."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left at home on his own, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a copper would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child." Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going onthere?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed, whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied, "They're all looking for me".

 

[Crazydad]

       The Living Statues        

          
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

[Crazydad]

       Your Butt Is So Big        

          
Your butt is so big, you have more crack than a drug dealer.

[Crazydad]

       Getting Weighed        

          
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

      

[STMO123]

Traffic cop pulls over a driver for speeding. His wife is in the passenger seat.

Morning sir.

Morning officer.

Do you know what the speed limit is on this stretch of road sir?

Yes officer, it's thirty miles an hour.

And what speed were you travelling at sir?

Thirty miles an hour.

I think it was quite a bit faster than that sir

No, it was thirty miles an hour.

I'm sorry sir, but my colleague and I clocked you at nearer forty.

B0ll0cks! It was thirty.

Now listen sir, if you take that attitude, I'll have to report you for......

Do as you rather like!

If you persist with this, sir......

At this point, his wife, who is getting a bit fed up, leans over and says "Listen, officer, it's no good argueing with this b@stard when he's had a drink.

[Crazydad]

like it Steve like it


You are not allowed to vote for yourself

[Golfbuddy]

Why is it that:

Why is it that women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it that you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on the "Start" button?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is that planes are not made out of the same stuff that Black boxes are made of? They are the only things that survive the crash!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

[Crazydad]

Looks like a very high standard here going to be hard to beat you all

[iggy21uk]

A man goes for a job at a blacksmith's. Blacksmith asks him, "Have you any experience of shoeing horses?" "No, But I once told a donkey to f**k off."!

I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put it down.

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on and on.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there!

I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
 
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue ?" I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where's he then?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

 I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought 'that's Aboriginal'

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

[Baron Von Spongebob]

A Blonde At The Doctors
 
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken finger."
 

 

 
  
 
 

[Nickbat]

Can anyone join in?


Four men went golfing together; three headed to the first tee, and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man said, "My son is so successful he gave a friend a new home-for free."

The second man said, "My son is so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee.

The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man said, "Well, I'm proud to say that he's gay, and is doing very well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

[Nickbat]

...or how about this one?

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake," she whispered. Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

"I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."