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[cem_devecioglu]

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.

Steve falls off a girder and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me,"

Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

 

[cem_devecioglu]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a b*tch.....

 

 

[Ken T]

Very, Very, Very good, you guys are wasted in your present jobs, you should be on the stage somewhere  
I am going to pass these on to my kids !

One I borrowed from Billy Connelly : Did you hear about the instructor for suicide bombers ?. "Watch closely, I will only show you this once"

Ken

[zippo]

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You with the teeth! P!ss off!"

lmao  

[Crazydad]

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You with the teeth! P!ss off!"

PMSL break i never thought that there were so many good jokes out there

[Debs.]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Tesco, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your li`l car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture to put your mind at rest; I know how you fret about things.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called

[zippo]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Tesco, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your li`l car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture to put your mind at rest; I know how you fret about things.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called

lmao p.s your girlfriend called classic

[Crazydad]

Oh my god, it even hurts me to see such devastation  

[Debs.]

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates.

Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious.

Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy.

A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."