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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 222362 times)

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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1005 on: 21 May 2020, 09:52:07 »

I think I'll ask my dad if that offer to slap me into next year is still available.
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2020 I didn’t see that coming.

Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1006 on: 26 May 2020, 16:43:25 »

Why are the Chinese no good at cricket?

They keep eating the bats!
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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1007 on: 30 May 2020, 09:30:47 »

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute ofAllergy and Infectious Diseases told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their President, nervously watching as he sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.

Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the Dr Fauci, *"How many people is a brazillion?"* 
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ronnyd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1008 on: 31 May 2020, 16:52:37 »

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute ofAllergy and Infectious Diseases told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their President, nervously watching as he sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.

Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the Dr Fauci, *"How many people is a brazillion?"* 
Good'un  ;D ;D
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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1009 on: 10 June 2020, 14:49:20 »

Where do you go to weigh a pie ???











Somewhere over the rainbow of course .......


OK .......... hat, coat, bye .......
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Doctor Gollum

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1010 on: 10 June 2020, 15:01:16 »

What did 50cent do when he was hungry?







58 :D
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Onanists always think outside the box.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1011 on: 27 June 2020, 07:29:25 »

Swimming pools are about to open, in order to maintain social distancing, lanes 1,3 & 5 will not have any water.
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1012 on: 15 July 2020, 23:25:38 »



If JCB designed bucket seats. ::)

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Ask yourself :  " WHY do I believe what I believe?"

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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1013 on: 25 July 2020, 12:28:36 »

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.
She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".
I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?
I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep downI just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.
I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a veiw of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
So what should I do? Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1014 on: 25 July 2020, 12:34:28 »

A Beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her
Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1015 on: 28 July 2020, 13:37:42 »

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head."

His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1016 on: 28 July 2020, 13:38:59 »

Too Smart

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1017 on: 15 August 2020, 10:01:45 »

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1018 on: 18 September 2020, 09:47:16 »

The clocks go back next month, I've searched everywhere, but I can't find the receipts.
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1019 on: 22 September 2020, 20:42:04 »

How Men Think...
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic".

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to get lost.
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