Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[JasonH]

Last night whilst watching television I said to the wife "you know what you're the absolute double of Jennifer Anniston".
She gave me a cheeky grin and said "really?" I said "yes sweetheart she's 9 stone and you're 18"

I truly appreciated everything the paramedics did last night. I'm in Ward 15, and I'd like some visitors...

[JasonH]

A police officer knocked at my door and asked where I was between 5 and 6. I told him infants school....

[JasonH]

Although Jesus was a carpenter he never actually sang on any of the albums!

[JasonH]

I was at the checkout in my local supermarket yesterday evening and the lady on it said to me: “You’re single, aren’t you?”

I responded enthusiastically: “Yes, how on earth did you know, is it because I buy a small loaf and a small tin of beans here every evening?”

“No, nothing to do with the loaf and beans,” she replied, ......

...... “I knew because you’re so ugly.”

[Varche]

I said to my doctor, "I'm convinced everybody is trying to read my mind.

But you already know that."

[JasonH]

My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom.
Her favourite is The Sexy Librarian, where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

[JasonH]

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

[Raeturbo]

Ha ha🤣🤣🤣

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

A small tanker type of truck was in front of me today as I drove home.
Reg plate was T11ETS or similar so it was obviously for emptying septic tanks.
It had a sticker on the back which made me laugh out loud.

"NO STOOLS ARE LEFT IN THIS VEHICLE OVERNIGHT". 

[STEMO]

A small tanker type of truck was in front of me today as I drove home.
Reg plate was T11ETS or similar so it was obviously for emptying septic tanks.
It had a sticker on the back which made me laugh out loud.

"NO STOOLS ARE LEFT IN THIS VEHICLE OVERNIGHT". 

Excellent 

[JasonH]

Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I’m married now so that's where I sleep.

[Nick W]

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?


None, Trump says it's fixed so they all sit in the dark and cheer.




And,




Elon Musk: a man who's gone from being this century's Henry Ford to being this century's Henry Ford.....

[Varche]

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia

[Varche]

Jokes about sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar - Demerara

[Varche]

When employing someone, gather all the C.V.s together and randomly split them into two piles.
Take one pile and throw it in the bin.
This stops you employing anyone unlucky.