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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 216975 times)

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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #975 on: 24 March 2020, 17:26:59 »

The Pastor's Ass   

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.  The local paper read:  PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.  The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter  the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.  This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.  The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. 

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.  The Bishop fainted.  He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.   

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10 This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. 

The next day the headlines read:   NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE....

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.     
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!   
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #976 on: 25 March 2020, 06:44:14 »

I asked my wife to put a nurses uniform on.

"Feeling frisky?" she asked.

"No," I replied, "we need a loaf of bread".
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Raeturbo

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #977 on: 25 March 2020, 10:13:36 »

Man walks into a pub with a crocodile, pint of lager and an orange juice for the croc he says, why is the crocodile drinking orange juice says the bartender? Oh hes driving.
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Laying a rubber road.

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #978 on: 26 March 2020, 06:57:28 »

Had a chat with the resident spider yesterday - turns out he's a web designer.
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #979 on: 27 March 2020, 21:26:53 »

In honour of Amazon delivery drivers ,
let's clap out our windows sometime between 8 am and 9pm  :y
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #980 on: 28 March 2020, 08:03:59 »

Paul Chuckle was getting a bit too close to me in Asda earlier so I said "Oi! 2 Metre, You!"
it all went down hill after that
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #981 on: 28 March 2020, 08:05:17 »

Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19.

Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer 14
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Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #982 on: 28 March 2020, 12:32:23 »

Prince Charles is isolating at Balmoral with Covid-19.

Prince Andrew is isolating at Windsor with Jennifer 14

 ;D ;D ;D
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RIP Paul 'Luvvie' Lovejoy

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #983 on: 29 March 2020, 19:55:30 »

Wifey noticed this on Twitter:
Don't forget to put your clocks forward, you don't want to be late for f**k all.
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henryd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #984 on: 30 March 2020, 11:23:48 »

Wifey noticed this on Twitter:
Don't forget to put your clocks forward, you don't want to be late for f**k all.

Saw one on face book

Clocks go forward tonight, about 4 f***ing months would be good ;D
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #985 on: 01 April 2020, 15:40:21 »

Bloody cat asked me if I wanted the radio on whilst it went out.
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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #986 on: 03 April 2020, 14:39:22 »

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,  Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end.  He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.
 
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out.
 
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
 
When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, 'Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the
life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays
sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom
with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's
dead.'
 
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
 
How soon can I go home?' 
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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #987 on: 05 April 2020, 10:21:15 »

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses....

A local Bra Shop has gone bust.
A Mining Company has gone under.
A manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
A Dog Kennels has had to call in the retrievers.
An origami book company has folded.
An Ariel Installation company has called in the receivers.
A Key Company has gone into lockdown.
A Watchsmith has wound down and called time.
An Iceland store has had its assets frozen.
A Shoe Factory has been soled and employees given the boot.
The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders.
The tarmac company has reached the end of the road.
The bread company has run out of dough.
The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners.
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Nick W

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #988 on: 05 April 2020, 12:23:01 »

Bloody cat asked me if I wanted the radio on whilst it went out.


ours is waiting to be neutered before she goes out. Not that she knows that ;D
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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #989 on: 08 April 2020, 11:25:38 »

The guys were all at a deer camp.  No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly..  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.     
             
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what
happened to you?  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night." 
         
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!  He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the
roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
                                 
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned,  older cowboy, a
man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it..  They
said, "Man, what happened?"
                                   
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,
patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.  Bob sat up and
watched me all night."
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